Strength. Confidence. Expression. Growth.

"In true community we will not choose our companions, for our choices are so often limited by self-serving moments. Our companions will be given to us by grace. Often they will be persons who will upset our settled view of self and world." - Parker J. Palmer

As we all know, my life revolves around my relationships with other people. Connections are what have shaped my life. Working with others and learning from others is the foundation of who I am. With each passing day, I feel like the intentional community I am a part of in my house, my community with my co-workers, and my community with my clients grows stronger. I am finding my way more easily in each of these communities, and I have developed a much more defined sense of belonging amongst the people with whom I interact everyday. In two short months, I have learned more about myself, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my faith because I have been challenged to do so by living among new friends and working among new colleagues. 

Life at work is beginning to feel much more natural. I no longer feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to figure out which things annoy which people or as I learn about the experiences of individual co-workers. I feel bonds forming as I become more and more comfortable amongst my colleagues. Take Ms. Jeanette for example. She is the kind of woman who jumps head first into any new relationship with a person, and that is exactly how she jumped into ours. I have felt a very strong connection with her since day one. She's like a mom, an aunt, and a grandma all at the same time. She confides in me, she lets me ask for help even when she's in the middle of something, and she speaks her mind. She inspires me each day with her unbelievable compassion and her ability to connect with clients through mutual respect and understanding. She inspires me to push harder, to give life my all, and to always thank God for what I have been blessed with. Then there's Charla, our Prevention for Positives counselor. She is 24 and absolutely awesome. We have deep conversations about going back to school and our hopes for the future. She reminds to me to push for what I believe in and to never give up on my dreams. And there's also Ms. Carolyn, our director of Faith Ministries. She is one of the most brilliant women I have ever met. She is so dedicated to her work and would give up everything for those she fights for each day. Someday I hope to be like her. It is finally starting to feel like I belong, like I am a vital part of the community that we refer to as our office family. After two months, it no longer feels like I am only here for a little while, but that I will be here for a year. It is wonderful to feel like a new home is being built brick by brick.

The pantry is starting to become more than just a place where my clients come to get the food they may not be able to afford. It is becoming a place for conversation, a place for getting to know one another, a place for learning new things about each other. Like when Mr. James came in so excited to tell me about the job he got at the State Fair that's keeping him busy. Or when Weaver told me about the beautiful love between his mother and father that he got to see each day of his life until a couple of years ago. Or when Patricia was excited to tell me that her two young daughters are doing so well in school, and that she is finally back on the medications that she needs to fight HIV in her body. The pantry is becoming a place for bonds to form, a function that I never thought possible for such a little space full of food could have. On Wednesday afternoon, before the pantry opened, I had the opportunity to sit down with some clients and watch a movie. Throughout the film, I felt so connected to each one of them. We laughed together, yelled at the characters together, and even fell in love with the story together. I felt like I was in unity with them, a truly blessed feeling. I am so grateful to be learning from each client, and to know that many of them respect me, trust me, and will confide in me if they need to. Like Rudy, for instance. He told me all about life after his wife left him a few months ago, expressing how hard it has been living on an income of one person instead of two joint incomes. He told me how he barely has money to buy food and how thankful he is that I am there to help him. My clients challenge me everyday; they push me to look at the world through different eyes, with a new perspective. I am blessed to have them and to be experiencing life with them.

And then there's the wonderful community that I come home to after work each day; the girls that offer support when I need it and their ears to listen as I share about my day. We had the chance this weekend to connect with each other on a different level through conversation. We sat down to discuss our joys, challenges, and hopes for each individual relationship in the community. At first, I was nervous not only to share my own thoughts but also to hear what everyone else had to say. The nerves, though, disappeared as soon as I sat down with Kate for the very first conversation. I have never found it so easy to share my thoughts and feelings with people whom I've only known for a short while. Nor have I ever realized how important it is to maintain healthy individual relationships in order for the community to prosper. It is really beautiful to watch us build our community together, as we challenge each other and support each other each day.

The quote that started this post could not be more true to my life right now. Even though I did not have the opportunity to choose my companions - those I live with, work with, and work for - I am truly blessed to know each one of them. Each person, whether a roommate or a client, pushes me to think more deeply and more fully. They shake my belief system, forcing me to examine it more closely. They most certainly have "upset my settled view of self and world." This is the beauty of my life right now; the true beauty of being forced to look within myself and to reexamine who I am and whom I wish to become.

1 in 22

This week has been very up and down. When it was hard, it was really difficult and challenging, but when it was great, it was truly wonderful. I am really beginning to feel at home at AAS-C. My colleagues are such wonderful people and we've had the opportunity to connect as challenges have presented themselves in the work place. At my office, there are eight of us who work for AAS-C and eight who work for Wake County Human Services. On Friday, our Client Services quarterly report was due. Now, I remember those days at OSLCD when you couldn't talk to anyone in the office because the quarterly report was due. I remember how my favorite ladies could be found slaving over their computers for hours trying to meet their deadlines. So when I found out we had to write a quarterly report, oh man did I have an idea what was coming. Luckily, my part was easy, but putting all of our numbers and ideas together was pretty difficult and hectic. Not to mention - this is the very first quarterly report the department has ever had to write and we just found out about it about one week before it was due. It was really amazing to watch us all come together to help Ms. Jeanette get it done. I helped her crunch the numbers while Charla helped her type up the positives and negatives of the quarter. Even though we stayed at work one night until 7pm, it felt so nice to know that we all have each other's backs especially when it is most needed.

After our staff meeting on Wednesday, I got a phone call at work from Javier who works in the Prevention department specifically with Latinos. Friday was National Latino AIDS Awareness day and his prevention team was holding a free testing event in Durham out of a mobile health van. He knew how energetic I was and asked if I wanted to join them to do outreach and get people to come and get tested. I jumped at the opportunity and got the appropriate approval at the office. We all know how much I love events like this. As the prevention team from El Centro Hispano, who Javier collaborates with on these kinds of projects, pulled up and began talking to each other, I realized I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I cannot speak Spanish. When I do think I can speak Spanish, I suddenly start speaking Italian again. For example, there was a little boy with one of the staff members and I asked him "Come ti chiami?" He just stared at me. It took me at least 45 seconds before I realized that I had asked him what his name was in ITALIAN. Needless to say, it was an interesting evening as I went with the outreach team door to door in the apartment complexes in the area. Luckily, not everyone in the community spoke Spanish, so I had my chance to convince people to come get tested, too. While I was flagging down cars, I saw two young African-American girls walking down the street so I ran over to talk to them. They are probably about 19 years old. Both were really excited about getting tested and even brought a friend when they came back. It felt good to know that I helped in some way, especially when the latest statistic says 1 in 22 African-Americans will become infected with HIV at some point in their lives. 1 in 22. That number terrifies me, so I'm glad that I got a couple of young ladies to get tested, even if they had been tested before. I had so much fun that evening, running around screaming "Free Condoms. Free HIV Tests." I was in my element, aside from the whole Spanish speaking thing.

The North Carolina State Fair is apparently a big deal, so a few of us decided we couldn't miss out on it. Now, none of us have ever been to a state fair. County fairs, yes. The Big E, yes. Church fairs, yes. But a state fair, especially in a big state like North Carolina - we had no idea what to expect and boy were we shocked and amazed. When we arrived on Saturday evening around 4:30pm, there were huge lines to buy tickets just to get in. The traffic just to get near the fairgrounds was insane! Upon entering the giant place, I was immediately overwhelmed by how many people there were. To put it simply, there were probably more than 30,000 people. The fairgrounds are at least 5x bigger than the Big E, for those of you from New England. There are two separate sections of rides and games and food vendors everywhere! I think I got run over by a stroller maybe 4 times and walked into people on numerous occasions. At one point, I saw a 5 year old boy wandering around and I said, to no one in particular, "Who's kid is this?" Luckily his dad was standing right next to me. Two hours at the fair was more than enough. In the big expo center, they were having a cow show...like a dog show, except with huge cows. I never thought that cows could be truly domesticated and yesterday I realized that they can't be. The cows did not want to follow the lead of their showers. It was kind of entertaining especially because the showers were all like 12 and under trying to guide these huge cows. We also got to see North Carolina's largest pumpkin - weighing more than 800 pounds. Now that was cool. And of course what fair would be complete without a Sham-Wow presentation. As always, I wanted to buy those Sham-Wows more than anything at the fair. But instead, I settled for some fried dough. It was quite an experience at the good ole North Carolina State Fair. I'm pretty sure words do it no justice.

While I'm finding my place here in Raleigh, I'm finding time to explore the culture, and let me tell you - between the testing event on Friday and the state fair yesterday, North Carolina is not quite what I expected it to be.

True Joy

My apologies for missing a week here, but things have been much busier than usual. Even the past two weekends have left very little room for free time. I am not complaining about this, as I have loved every minute of everything I've done on the weekends. Each activity, each person we've met with, each hour spent at work, has been enriching and has opened my eyes to something new - whether it be an issue I've never thought about, a person's point of view that I'd never considered, or a faith that I'd never explored. I hope that through this post, I am able to make you think a little deeper, intrigue you with a new thought, and maybe even cause you to look more closely at your everyday activities and interactions.

With each day, I am learning what makes me smile, what makes my heart beat a little faster, and what makes me want to get up in the morning. I am finding out, though slowly, what it is that I am truly in love with, what my deepest passion really is. In a couple of weeks, a group of about 15 high school students is coming to volunteer at Under One Roof for the day, probably helping to reorganize the pantry and the clothes closet, as well as decorating the client room. As part of their community volunteer day program, a representative from the agency with which they will be volunteering goes in to the class to talk to them about what the agency does and why. Because this particular group will be working directly with me, I had the chance to talk to the students for an hour. Their teacher told me he was completely flexible on what I talked to them about so I split it up a bit, talking about the basic facts about HIV/AIDS, what we do at AAS-C, and why are services are important not only to our clients but also in order to help bring an end to the epidemic. I went into the talk feeling pretty nervous, even though most of what I had to say I know so well and have talked to so many others about. But I kept remembering that I have never really talked to high school students - mostly just college friends and older. I was pretty surprised with how things went. The students were very responsive, trying to answer questions and show what they know. They also had great questions to ask and weren't embarrassed to say things like "vaginal sex" or "semen." While I was explaining the services that we offer to clients as AAS-C, I could tell that they did not fully understand why we provide our clients with services that are not strictly medical. They were struggling to grasp why it is necessary to assist our clients financially with housing, food, transportation, etc. These students helped me to realize that prevention education is not only about teach others how to protect themselves. It is also about reducing stigma and helping others to understand that HIV is about much more than just the medical side of things. Talking to these students really brought out the best in me and helped to amplify my passion even more.

My favorite moment of the week came on Wednesday. For the past three weeks or so, my friendships with my volunteers have developed into something special. I check in with them once a week (aside from when they come in on Wednesdays) and I feel for them when things don't go according to plan. They are wonderful gentlemen who look out for me in return, making sure no clients take advantage of me or even just spending time educating me about the south - something I think they've taken on as a hobby. The past couple of weeks have been difficult for Gary and Dwayne for a number of reasons, many of which they haven't shared with me. I have known that something isn't right and rather than probing to find out what is going on, I call them on Tuesdays to let them know I'm thinking about them and that I hope I'll see them the following day. This Wednesday, before they left the office for the day, Dwayne told me how much they truly appreciate me calling them because it lets know that I care, that they are needed, and that they are appreciated. Both he and Gary gave me big hugs and then said three little worlds that melted my heart: We love you. Tears came to my eyes, and each time I recount this story, those tears return. It became so clear to me in that moment that not only do I mean something to them and do they care about me, but I know that I am making a difference in their lives somehow. In such a short time, I have been touched so strongly by these two wonderful men. The craziest thing is, I still have so much to learn from both of them.

Works of HeART, our agency's major fundraiser, took place this weekend. It is a weekend of art with both silent and live auctions. All of the AAS-C staff had to help set up on Friday during the day to get everything ready, including the art hung up on standing panels and numbered correctly. Somehow, I had a lot of fun doing this. I had the chance to spend time with staff members at our other offices who I either haven't met or have only spent a little bit of time with. I also got to check out some cool art and realize a bit more fully that I have very little appreciation for art. (I thought a painting about the Serengetti was three meatballs on forks.) On Saturday night, I got to get all dressed up in my semi-formal attire and go to the auction. I wasn't sure if I'd be put to work when I got there, and as I was getting ready to leave, Camille said, "Just the girl I was looking for. Mike and Mark are waiting for you in the auditorium." As I walked into the auditorium where the live auction would be held sometime later, I was told that I would be a spotter for the evening. For those of you who have never been to an auction, especially an auction that is a fundraiser, the spotters are not only responsible for making sure the correct bidder number is written down for each piece. We practically have to harass the bidders so as to encourage them to bid more often times by reminding them about the cause and how much their money will help the agency and our clients. Now, just imagine me in my pretty dress running up and down the aisles clapping obnoxiously and yelling "Come on!! One more time!!" So. much. fun!!! I was totally in my element. haha

And then there was today. Ms. Carolyn (our Director of Faith Ministries at AAS-C) and I met at Christian Faith Baptist Church to set up a table at their health fair and to collect food from the food drive they had for our pantry. Carolyn asked me to join her for worship before the health fair, so I attended my very first Baptist service. I knew that it would be unlike any Catholic mass I'd ever been to, and I was very excited to see something different. I could write about this for many pages, so I'll just hit you with the most striking observation. Joy is an interesting thing; it is more than happiness; it is fulfilling. Throughout the two-hour service, I saw pure joy in each of the individuals gathered at the church. I saw it in the music, as everyone swayed side to side singing their hearts out with such energy and passion. I saw it during the greeting when individuals actually walked around the entire church to say good morning to friends, family, and strangers. It was joy like I'd never seen before. The joy became even stronger throughout the service when people felt moved by the Spirit of simply by the word. It became so clear to me that the joy that I saw today came from many people who struggle daily. To know that one can suffer and still show such joy in proclaiming Jesus as their savior really touches my soul and encourages me to look more closely at my own faith, how I approach my spirituality and my relationship with God, and my approach to mass on Sundays. Joy is a beautiful thing. I feel joy when I play soccer. I am filled with joy when I know I have made a difference. Never, though, have I thought about how my spirituality and faith bring me joy. I am looking forward to attending many more worship services of other denominations and faiths because I believe that each has something to teach me about myself and my spirituality.

These experiences this week have really pushed me to remember that throughout my life, I must push myself to learn so that I can seek to understand. I know that there is much that I do  not know and I only hope that experiences like these will show me not only who I am and what makes me happy, but also how I can shape my life through experiences.

Watching Issues Take on New Faces

Another week full of learning and growth. I felt myself challenged to question my own pre-conceived notions, beliefs, and even my focus. From a powerful NY Times Columnist speaking about global women's issues to a day of PRIDE and gay rights, I found that I was hungry to learn more, hungry to understand how our world has come to be the way it is, hungry to give of myself to others. 

Nicholas Kristof, a NY Times Op-Ed Columnist and co-author of the book Half the Sky, spoke on Monday night at Meredith College here in Raleigh, where Ann is Dean of Students. She invited us to go listen to him speak. To be honest, I had no idea who Nicholas Kristof was before that night. Yet, after listening to him speak about women's oppression and struggles throughout the world, I found myself needing to read more of his writings. Kristof is an incredibly powerful writer and speaker, as he has seen so much in this world and experienced many things. Many of his words left me questioning. One thing that really struck me was when Kristof made the point the we are lucky to be Americans and that luck comes with responsibility. We have a responsibility to look not only within our borders, but also to look outside our borders to learn about social injustices and violations of human rights. We have a responsibility to learn about these issues and to share what we've learned with others. We have a responsibility to react and to work for justice and equality, for a world where everyone is granted their truly unalienable rights.

HIV/AIDS took on a new face for me on Monday night, as well. For the past two years I have said that even though AIDS is a serious issue throughout this world, especially in developing nations, it is also an issue right here in the U.S. and that is where I would focus my energies. I even remember once saying that our government needs to stop talking about AIDS in Africa and start focusing on AIDS in America - that the money needs to be kept here. Looking back now, I realize my ignorance. I do truly believe that if we can find an efficient and effective way to stop the spread of HIV here, we can find ways to adapt that method in a way that would be effective in developing nations. At one point in his talk, Kristof mentioned that in Cambodia, many girls are sold to brothels at an early age by family members, neighbors, and sometimes kidnappers. Often times, the money is used to support the growth of sons, growth that comes at the cost of selling a daughter into slavery. The statistic that hit me hardest during discussion on this topic was that young Cambodian girls sold to brothels have a 70% chance of becoming infected with HIV in the first 6 months that they are in the brothel. Not only have these girls been sold, their lives have literally been sold - sold to a tragic and often fatal virus. These girls have no say in whether or not they become infected, as their "well-being" depends on whether or not they have sex with customers. If they do not, they can be beaten and even killed. It is literally a life or death situation in those brothels - and most likely these girls will die from complications from being sex slaves. In the United States today, most people who become infected with HIV (I repeat...most) have a choice in protecting themselves from the virus. Yet, these Cambodian girls have no say in whether or not they are exposed to it. How can these girls be saved? How can their infection be prevented when it is so hard to prevent infection in the U.S., where education is much more readily accessible and resources are more easily produced?

As I spent my time this week reflecting on all I had come to question based on Kristof's talk and his writings, I met with Mr. James for a financial appointment at work. Mr. James is a wonderful old man. He is always smiling and cheerful when I see him at the pantry. Even during our appointment, when he was expressing how stressed he was because he could not pay his electric bill this month, he smiled and laughed. By the end of our appointment, we had talked very little about finances and much about important people in our lives whom we had lost. As I talked about my grandfather and my Uncle Sam, Mr. James told me about his mother. We talked about how important it is to reflect on your love for others and that we need to recognize how others shape and impact our lives. I felt a great connection to Mr. James, but I noticed that I felt this need to prove myself to him - to let him know that I, too, had been through hardships. It was during our time together that I realized how much I am struggling to accept the fact that I come from privilege, as I am constantly trying to prove to my client's that I am not some ignorant little white girl. And though I do not believe I am ignorant, it is not fair to my clients for me to believe that I know what they are going through, that I have any idea how hard some days can be for them as they live in poverty and with a virus running through their body that could, if not treated properly, lead to death. I do not have first hand experience living in poverty, struggling from month to month. I have never lived with HIV or any other chronic/terminal illness that needs to be cared for each and every day. I do not come from the world that most of my clients come from. I don't have to create a false image of myself to make clients believe that I know what they mean, that I know what they are going through, because, in reality, I have no idea. I can prove myself to them by caring about them, by helping them, by listening to them, by showing my compassion. I'm glad I'm noticing this now so that I can live a little differently each day.

Friday and Saturday were such fun, even though they were both spent primarily at work. On Friday, Under One Roof (where I work) had our Grand Re-Opening. The agency moved to the current location a few months ago and things just slowed down enough to celebrate! It was mostly an open house for our clients, staff at our other offices, and donors. We had stations set up that told everyone about the services we offer. We had speakers, free food, and door prizes. One of our clients, Randie, is a great singer and entertainer and performed for us that afternoon. This was the most moving part of the day for me. As Randie performed is songs - one called "Your Destiny is Calling" and also Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" which he dedicated to our staff - everyone was dancing and clapping, truly enjoying themselves. For those 20 minutes, everyone had a chance to step away from the stress of every day life living with HIV. They all came together in a beautiful brother-and-sisterhood of compassion. In those moments, I really felt like client services was where my heart lies, in making a clear difference in the lives of individuals each day.

But, my heart is in conflict, as I fell in love with prevention all over again on Saturday at North Carolina PRIDE Day. It was my first gay PRIDE day ever, and man was it an experience! The AAS-C prevention team is so energetic and exciting. They live to save lives. Most of the morning, my colleague Charla and I went around on foot and on a golf cart creaming out "Free HIV and syphilis testing at the Alliance booth!!" I had so much fun doing that. As I saw all of the people come up to the table - young and old; black and white; gay, lesbian, and straight; those living with HIV and those unaware of its dangers - I felt my heart actually skip beats. To know that I was making a difference in the world by working to stop the spread of this virus is what makes me wake up in the morning. But working with my clients also does that. I find myself in a conflict as I work to figure out what I am called to do in this life.

NC PRIDE Day was such a great time. I got to ride on the AAS-C float in the parade, a really exciting experience. I loved being able to see the love and appreciation throughout the crowd. There was definitely a strong sense of pride throughout. Of course, there were protesters on one corner of the parade route, holding up signs with Bible scriptures on them. When we rode by, JohnPaul, our executive director, said, "God loves you, too," and we all waved with great pride. Right in front of the protesters were supporters with their own signs. I was so struck by the feeling of community that spread across this large group of people - people who didn't even know each other. I saw great happiness as people were able to stand up and say, "This is who we are. Thank you for accepting us." It was beautiful.

Each day I am faced with new challenges and new questions. Even though these may not be easy to answer, I find that I am able to look at the lives of others to find evidence that points me in the right direction. This experience is truly an amazing thing, and I am so thankful to be a Jesuit Volunteer.

You Sizzle...

Just to clear everyone's worries now that Football season has officially started - don't worry. I have found a great sports bar where I can watch my Jets and my roommates enjoy coming with me to watch the games - mostly so they can laugh at how I act while watching. So please, have no fear, Brittney is back in full gear this NFL season. I've got the Carolina Panthers on right now here at our house, on FOX - the only channel we get on out TV.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, and I sense that most of my experience will be that way. I had great highs immediately followed by hard lows at work. A little more on that:

Each day this week, I felt reaffirmed at work by my colleagues, by my clients, and by my wonderful group of volunteers. The week began with Noshima, a colleague, telling me I came into the office like a quiet storm - that my energy exploded so quickly and that it is so refreshing to have a JV who is open to learning and getting to know the staff. Later in the week, another colleauge, Charla, who is closer in age to me than anyone in the office, gave me my first "You Sizzle" card. "You Sizzle" cards go up on a special bulletin board in the office and are given to people to say great job or way to go! The one Charla gave me said, "To Brittney: For doing a great job as the new JV." Both of these comments meant a lot to me because I feel such acceptance in the work place, which makes work a little bit easier. I feel like I can talk to my colleagues about life, can laugh with them or sulk with them when necessary. I feel truly comfortable, and that is a great feeling.

On Wednesdays, my group of three volunteers, all of whom are clients, come in and help me restock and organize the pantry. They are fantastic guys whose company I truly enjoy. They joke around with me, but talk to me like they've known me forever. Jabbar bought me a sandwich at Burger King one day, which meant the world to me. Dwayne told me one day that it was crazy how they felt so close to me so quickly, whereas it usually takes a month or so for them even to feel comfortable around the new JV. Gary made me a really nice card that said, "Welcome to the Roof. We're so glad you're here." It means so much more to me coming from the clients because it shows not only that they appreciate me, but also that they accept me. This was most seen with a client, Joseph, who I have given a hard time since the day I met him. He likes to try and see if you'll give in to his requests - for example one day he had an appointment and went "shopping" at the pantry right afterwards. He spent the next couple of hours hanging out at the office waiting for the bus, and while he waited, our fresh produce was dropped off. Joseph loves bananas and begged me to give him some, even though he had already shopped. I told him no, that he could have waited to shop, etc. etc. - establishing my place as the person who runs the pantry. He joked around like he was mad, but I knew he was just kidding. On Wednesday, we had an Arts and Crafts session with a woman who does card making with rubber stamps. Joseph told me that my name should be Brattney, not Brittney, and that there was no way he would make me a card. About an hour later, he came up to me with a card he made - on the front it said "Welcome! Thank You!" and inside he signed his name. That's when I knew that the clients truly accept me and feel comfortable with me.

Now remember, I said that those great highs were immediately followed by hard lows. Monthly billing is due at the end of the day this Monday, so most of the week was spent finishing up paperwork that was not finished when it should have been. I was becoming very frustrated because I was doing other people's work, work that should have been done weeks ago. I found myself having to "be creative" as Miss Jeanette says in order to show why clients need financial assistance. It was hard for me, though, to sign my name on something I was not proud of or something that I thought maybe wasn't right. I spent all day Thursday and most of the day Friday fuming that I had to do work that was not my own - paperwork for appointments I hadn't even been a part of, that I knew nothing about. The most frustrating part was that some of the paperwork had NO notes on it that would even help me finish the work. It was then that I realized that I need to remember why I'm here, what I'm trying to do, what I'm working on learning. It is my first professional job and I am learning about the dynamics of the office. It is just hard for me to know that I have only been there for four weeks and can get my work done efficiently and correctly, while others who have been there for longer than me cannot. With each day, I learn how to deal with it, how to talk to Miss Jeanette about my frustrations, and how to continue to insure that my work is done correctly so I don't fall into a similar pattern as others.

Saturday was a beautiful day here in North Carolina. For those of you who have been wondering - it has been in the 90s nearly every day since we arrived in Raleigh. When it isn't in the 90s, it is in the high 80s. I miss the cool feeling of fall, the feel of the wind stinging my nose a little bit on the walk to McGinley in the mornings. My roommates and I decided we wanted to go for a hike yesterday, and we sure picked the perfect day for it. It was cooler, though still in the 80s, and most of the trail we hiked was in the shade. There was a light breeze throughout our 6 mile hike. The state park we were at was absolutely beautiful. The trail brought us alongside a pretty creek, past all kinds of trees, near trees whose branches bent in unfathomable ways. It was such a peaceful time for all of us, to just breathe in the fresh air and to appreciate the opportunity to relax. It was the perfect end to the week and start to the weekend.

During our hike, Kate and I talked about a film we had watched Friday night - Milk. For those of you who have never seen it or have never heard of it, it is based on the true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to a major public office. He was assassinated in the late 1970s. We started talking about homophobia, racism, immigration, and a number of other issues. I have been thinking a lot lately about the injustices that exist in our society, but also about how those injustices are perpetuated each and every day. We are a product of the environments in which we grow up - whether we accept what we are taught or challenge what we are taught, either way, we are a product of that environment. Racism and homophobia are present throughout our country and are prejudices are taught to children each and every day, whether by their parents or through the news. How do we conquer that? How do we end such hatred? How do we teach acceptance? Why is it that people hate others just because they are "different"? This is a topic that I know I will reflect on for the rest of my life, and it is something I needed to share in the hopes that others, too, will think about it.

Big shout out this week to my mom and Team Hanger who completed Reach the Beach, a 200-mile relay across New Hampshire this weekend. Way to go!

Peace, Justice, and Understanding

Though I worked only four days this week, thanks to the Labor Day holiday, and the week seemed to fly by, each day was truly busier than the next. Whether it was handling my own appointments, helping Miss Jeanette with paperwork, or running the pantry, I only had a chance to breathe when I went to the gym after work each day. It was the only chance for me to stop, reflect, and gather my thoughts. And geez, there were a lot of thoughts to gather this week - yet, I am only going to tell you about Friday and Saturday.

During an update and financial appointment with a client and his sister who helps care for him, I began to realize how lucky and how thankful I am to have grown up in a family that can provide for me and that has always been fully supportive of my decisions. The man that I met with Friday afternoon was diagnosed with HIV in the late 1980s and with AIDS about 6 years ago. When he was diagnosed with AIDS, his doctor told him he only had 6 months to live, yet he has lived for nearly 7, though he has struggle and suffered throughout those years. His sister quit her job 6 years ago to dedicate herself to caring for him. Let me paint a quick picture for you of the brother and sister that I met in our lobby that day. I saw an older woman who was clearly struggling financially. Next to her, I saw a younger man, whose youth was hidden behind wrinkles, dark splotches on his skin, and an oxygen tank connected by tubes to his nose. Sure, I was scared going into this appointment. This was the first time I had met someone living with AIDS who was currently struggling with his/her health. Most of the people I have worked with for the past couple of years are fairly healthy and show little sign of having any illness. 

As I talked to these siblings, I became quickly aware of the love that exists between them as well as the tension that exists between a brother and a sister. Throughout the appointment, they became comfortable with me and began to share their story with me, stories that broke my heart, but at the same time gave me hope. I learned about the man's attempted suicide years ago; their parents' deaths, as well as those of their two other brothers; the alcoholism that existed in their family which both of them have conquered. I learned more about the man's illness, his bought with cancer, bronchitis, pneumonia, and nearly every kind of opportunistic infection to which one living with AIDS can be exposed. I was directly confronted with the LONG list of close to 40 medications that he must take every day, a list around which his life literally revolves. I learned about his panic attacks and anxiety, especially when no one is near him, as well as his depression; his lack of energy; the trouble he has writing because of that lack of energy; his love of the Bible; his fear of germs that stems from his fear of getting any more ill; and his sadness of not being able to go to church on Sundays because of the exposure to germs. I stopped to think about my own life and the things that I take for granted each day - my family; the ease at paying for unexpected costs; having an immune system that fights back. Why has God made me so lucky?

While others struggle each day in poverty, with illnesses, with loneliness and others are ignorant of the national and global reality, I really started to think about my faith in God. Often times I have wondered how God can exist if there is so much suffering and hatred in the world. God would not allow for these things to happen. He would not allow for something as tragic as September 11th to happen to our world. Yet, somehow, the more pain I see, the more I believe in God. It is not God who has created the pain and suffering of the world; the oppression and injustice; the lack of understanding between people, between cultures, between countries. Humankind has created these things.

I often think of a quote that Ian shared with our Nashville team during a reflection one time. It comes from the film Evan Almighty: "Let me ask you something: If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If someone prays for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them the opportunities to be courageous? If someone prays for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

Nine years and one day ago, we all watched with horror and terror in our eyes as we saw the lack of understanding that exists in this world kill thousands; as we saw pure hatred take down the beautiful Twin Towers. I cannot allow myself to respond with hatred or to pray for revenge. It sickens me to know that people do. I just continue to pray for peace, for justice, for an open mind that may help lead to understanding. I believe that God will grant us these things, but they will not just magically appear. As the quote above says, God will give us the opportunities to work toward peace. If we don't acknowledge those opportunities, we close ourselves off to God. We perpetuate the issues. What if God is telling us that in order to work for peace, we must face hatred head on and battle it by taking the time to learn, to immerse ourselves in other cultures and religions? When I was in that appointment Friday, it was hard for me to understand how someone could suffer so much, yet walk away pushing forward with all that he has. My friend John always says, "Remember how you felt on September 11th. Act like you did on September 12th." God challenges us so that we can grow, that we can experience, and that we can work towards a world that is just and peaceful.

Prayer of Pope Benedict XVI during his visit to Ground Zero in 2008:

"God of peace, bring your peace to our violent world: peace in the hearts of all men and women and peace among the nations of the earth. Turn to your way of love those whose hearts and minds are consumed with hatred. God of understanding, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this tragedy, we seek your light and guidance as we confront such terrible events. Grant that those whose lives were spared may live so that the lives lost here may not have been lost in vain. Comfort and console us, strengthen us in hope, and give us the wisdom and courage to work tirelessly for a world where true peace and love reign among nations and in the hearts of all."

I ask you to please, take a minute and think about it. What can you do to work toward peace, justice, and understanding each day?

Patience to Accept the Truth

One of my favorite things about JVC is that I am not only learning about HIV/AIDS at my placement, but I am learning about each of the social justice issues that my roommates are working with, as well as those issues which are most prominent here in Raleigh and in North Carolina. In my first post, I made mention of the current situation happening here in Wake County, NC concerning the school board and the possibility of a legal form of re-segregation of the schools. This past Monday night, a few of us went to a prayer service held at Pullen Memorial Baptist Church concerning this issue. It was great to walk into a room with no expectations except to learn and quickly see blacks, whites, young, old, people of all different faith traditions. We prayed together for the welfare of the children and for doing what is in their best interest. We learned about the history of the integration of schools in Wake County, and I was startled by the fact that it took nearly 17 years after Brown v. Board of Education for Wake County to make swift steps toward integrating their schools. Now, 39 years later, the county is moving backwards. Education is a right and every individual must have the right to an equal education, regardless of skin color, socioeconomic standing, faith, or gender. School is a place not only for learning from teachers and textbooks, but where children and youth are able to learn from and with one another - from their different backgrounds, cultures, and ways of living. What would East Hartford, CT be like if we moved towards re-segregating our schools? I can't imagine how different my life would be.


This week at work was a bit of a challenge, but it taught me a lot and pushed me to work harder in order to work towards understanding. I did my first intake by myself on Tuesday, which was a little nerve-wrecking. The hardest thing I dealt with in the intake was when I asked the woman when she was diagnosed with HIV. She told me that she didn't know, that it was a few years ago but that she wasn't really sure. I was so taken aback and wondered how someone could not know the moment when his/her life was changed forever. I still remember the exact date when I broke my leg because it changed me completely, yet this woman did not know when she was diagnosed with HIV. At first, I kind of sat in shock and when talking to my roommates about it, felt angered out of confusion. After spending some time really thinking about it, though, I realize that I have a lot to learn about how people cope with illness, with change, and with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis. Everyone is different, and it takes people different amounts of time to accept something like this. Denial can last for more than a few months - it can last for years. This was a good moment for me to take a step back and realize that I cannot judge, that I cannot assume, that I must work towards learning and understanding where people come from and what their lives are like.


The same day as that happened, I met a 23-year old client new to the North Carolina area who had been very recently diagnosed with HIV. My heart stopped for a few seconds when I found out his age, as it hit so close to home. I was not concerned about me or my safety, as I know how to protect myself and know that I will protect myself against HIV and other STDs. All I could think about at learning that he was 23 was my thesis - how if only one person at Fordham was HIV positive, our campus could become a hotbed for the spread of HIV. Teenagers and young adults today are living lives that are sexually driven, and the hookup culture is dominant. How do we reach out to others to help them understand their risks? After spending 5 months working on my thesis and becoming so much more aware of how Fordham students (and really high school and college students across the country) put themselves at risk for becoming infected with HIV and other STDs each and every day, each time I learn about outbreaks in colleges or meet people like this 23-year old young man, I can't help but become afraid of what can happen. I fear for my friends, my classmates, and others who put themselves at risk, but am so unsure of how to reach out to them. This is something I hope to learn more about and work on throughout this year and in the future.


A few posts ago, I mentioned that the North Carolina Central Prison is less than a mile from our house and is home to the inmates on North Carolina's death row. The death penalty is constantly a topic of conversation down here. On Thursday evening, Maryann, Kate, and myself headed to Durham to watch a screening of the PBS documentary "No Tomorrow" (airing on PBS in October - look for it). The documentary focuses on a young woman whose life was featured on a previous PBS documentary, and who was murdered about a year later. The film goes into detail about the trial of her killer and how the first documentary was used during the penalty phase to persuade the jury to vote for the death penalty. Going into all of this, I believed that I was for the death penalty, that a person who kills someone else should be killed for what they've done. But the more I learn, the more I reflect, and the more I question, I am coming to new conclusions. This film really brought me to new ideas and questions. Who are we to decide who lives and who dies? What about the families of the inmates who are executed? By killing a killer, we are creating more unrest in a community rather than working toward healing the community. Not to mention the statistics that show the racial and gender bias of the death penalty, the rate of exoneration for those later found innocent, the amount of money that could be saved with a life without parole sentence rather than a death penalty sentence, etc etc. 


What really gets me though is the idea that the death penalty can be a deterrent and that people are less likely to kill if they know that they can possibly be killed by the state for their crime. For a long time, I thought that this was true but as I learn more about life in poor communities, the history of gangs and street violence, I realize that most young people in these communities do not fear death like others do because they are surrounded by death. Spending time in jail does not scare some of them and the idea of being sentenced to death doesn't either. Jail doesn't scare gang members who struggle to survive each day. All in all, I am learning and as I learn, I am finding my beliefs challenged, transformed, and sometimes even changed.


I am loving this experience dearly. When my mom asked me the other day if it was weird that I didn't start school this week, I realized that it actually wasn't because each day I am learning and growing, as though I were in school. I am beginning to value what I learn outside of the classroom much more and am so thankful for this experience. I just hope that as I learn, I am helping others to think, to reflect, to question, and to challenge themselves.