Watching Issues Take on New Faces

Another week full of learning and growth. I felt myself challenged to question my own pre-conceived notions, beliefs, and even my focus. From a powerful NY Times Columnist speaking about global women's issues to a day of PRIDE and gay rights, I found that I was hungry to learn more, hungry to understand how our world has come to be the way it is, hungry to give of myself to others. 

Nicholas Kristof, a NY Times Op-Ed Columnist and co-author of the book Half the Sky, spoke on Monday night at Meredith College here in Raleigh, where Ann is Dean of Students. She invited us to go listen to him speak. To be honest, I had no idea who Nicholas Kristof was before that night. Yet, after listening to him speak about women's oppression and struggles throughout the world, I found myself needing to read more of his writings. Kristof is an incredibly powerful writer and speaker, as he has seen so much in this world and experienced many things. Many of his words left me questioning. One thing that really struck me was when Kristof made the point the we are lucky to be Americans and that luck comes with responsibility. We have a responsibility to look not only within our borders, but also to look outside our borders to learn about social injustices and violations of human rights. We have a responsibility to learn about these issues and to share what we've learned with others. We have a responsibility to react and to work for justice and equality, for a world where everyone is granted their truly unalienable rights.

HIV/AIDS took on a new face for me on Monday night, as well. For the past two years I have said that even though AIDS is a serious issue throughout this world, especially in developing nations, it is also an issue right here in the U.S. and that is where I would focus my energies. I even remember once saying that our government needs to stop talking about AIDS in Africa and start focusing on AIDS in America - that the money needs to be kept here. Looking back now, I realize my ignorance. I do truly believe that if we can find an efficient and effective way to stop the spread of HIV here, we can find ways to adapt that method in a way that would be effective in developing nations. At one point in his talk, Kristof mentioned that in Cambodia, many girls are sold to brothels at an early age by family members, neighbors, and sometimes kidnappers. Often times, the money is used to support the growth of sons, growth that comes at the cost of selling a daughter into slavery. The statistic that hit me hardest during discussion on this topic was that young Cambodian girls sold to brothels have a 70% chance of becoming infected with HIV in the first 6 months that they are in the brothel. Not only have these girls been sold, their lives have literally been sold - sold to a tragic and often fatal virus. These girls have no say in whether or not they become infected, as their "well-being" depends on whether or not they have sex with customers. If they do not, they can be beaten and even killed. It is literally a life or death situation in those brothels - and most likely these girls will die from complications from being sex slaves. In the United States today, most people who become infected with HIV (I repeat...most) have a choice in protecting themselves from the virus. Yet, these Cambodian girls have no say in whether or not they are exposed to it. How can these girls be saved? How can their infection be prevented when it is so hard to prevent infection in the U.S., where education is much more readily accessible and resources are more easily produced?

As I spent my time this week reflecting on all I had come to question based on Kristof's talk and his writings, I met with Mr. James for a financial appointment at work. Mr. James is a wonderful old man. He is always smiling and cheerful when I see him at the pantry. Even during our appointment, when he was expressing how stressed he was because he could not pay his electric bill this month, he smiled and laughed. By the end of our appointment, we had talked very little about finances and much about important people in our lives whom we had lost. As I talked about my grandfather and my Uncle Sam, Mr. James told me about his mother. We talked about how important it is to reflect on your love for others and that we need to recognize how others shape and impact our lives. I felt a great connection to Mr. James, but I noticed that I felt this need to prove myself to him - to let him know that I, too, had been through hardships. It was during our time together that I realized how much I am struggling to accept the fact that I come from privilege, as I am constantly trying to prove to my client's that I am not some ignorant little white girl. And though I do not believe I am ignorant, it is not fair to my clients for me to believe that I know what they are going through, that I have any idea how hard some days can be for them as they live in poverty and with a virus running through their body that could, if not treated properly, lead to death. I do not have first hand experience living in poverty, struggling from month to month. I have never lived with HIV or any other chronic/terminal illness that needs to be cared for each and every day. I do not come from the world that most of my clients come from. I don't have to create a false image of myself to make clients believe that I know what they mean, that I know what they are going through, because, in reality, I have no idea. I can prove myself to them by caring about them, by helping them, by listening to them, by showing my compassion. I'm glad I'm noticing this now so that I can live a little differently each day.

Friday and Saturday were such fun, even though they were both spent primarily at work. On Friday, Under One Roof (where I work) had our Grand Re-Opening. The agency moved to the current location a few months ago and things just slowed down enough to celebrate! It was mostly an open house for our clients, staff at our other offices, and donors. We had stations set up that told everyone about the services we offer. We had speakers, free food, and door prizes. One of our clients, Randie, is a great singer and entertainer and performed for us that afternoon. This was the most moving part of the day for me. As Randie performed is songs - one called "Your Destiny is Calling" and also Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" which he dedicated to our staff - everyone was dancing and clapping, truly enjoying themselves. For those 20 minutes, everyone had a chance to step away from the stress of every day life living with HIV. They all came together in a beautiful brother-and-sisterhood of compassion. In those moments, I really felt like client services was where my heart lies, in making a clear difference in the lives of individuals each day.

But, my heart is in conflict, as I fell in love with prevention all over again on Saturday at North Carolina PRIDE Day. It was my first gay PRIDE day ever, and man was it an experience! The AAS-C prevention team is so energetic and exciting. They live to save lives. Most of the morning, my colleague Charla and I went around on foot and on a golf cart creaming out "Free HIV and syphilis testing at the Alliance booth!!" I had so much fun doing that. As I saw all of the people come up to the table - young and old; black and white; gay, lesbian, and straight; those living with HIV and those unaware of its dangers - I felt my heart actually skip beats. To know that I was making a difference in the world by working to stop the spread of this virus is what makes me wake up in the morning. But working with my clients also does that. I find myself in a conflict as I work to figure out what I am called to do in this life.

NC PRIDE Day was such a great time. I got to ride on the AAS-C float in the parade, a really exciting experience. I loved being able to see the love and appreciation throughout the crowd. There was definitely a strong sense of pride throughout. Of course, there were protesters on one corner of the parade route, holding up signs with Bible scriptures on them. When we rode by, JohnPaul, our executive director, said, "God loves you, too," and we all waved with great pride. Right in front of the protesters were supporters with their own signs. I was so struck by the feeling of community that spread across this large group of people - people who didn't even know each other. I saw great happiness as people were able to stand up and say, "This is who we are. Thank you for accepting us." It was beautiful.

Each day I am faced with new challenges and new questions. Even though these may not be easy to answer, I find that I am able to look at the lives of others to find evidence that points me in the right direction. This experience is truly an amazing thing, and I am so thankful to be a Jesuit Volunteer.

You Sizzle...

Just to clear everyone's worries now that Football season has officially started - don't worry. I have found a great sports bar where I can watch my Jets and my roommates enjoy coming with me to watch the games - mostly so they can laugh at how I act while watching. So please, have no fear, Brittney is back in full gear this NFL season. I've got the Carolina Panthers on right now here at our house, on FOX - the only channel we get on out TV.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, and I sense that most of my experience will be that way. I had great highs immediately followed by hard lows at work. A little more on that:

Each day this week, I felt reaffirmed at work by my colleagues, by my clients, and by my wonderful group of volunteers. The week began with Noshima, a colleague, telling me I came into the office like a quiet storm - that my energy exploded so quickly and that it is so refreshing to have a JV who is open to learning and getting to know the staff. Later in the week, another colleauge, Charla, who is closer in age to me than anyone in the office, gave me my first "You Sizzle" card. "You Sizzle" cards go up on a special bulletin board in the office and are given to people to say great job or way to go! The one Charla gave me said, "To Brittney: For doing a great job as the new JV." Both of these comments meant a lot to me because I feel such acceptance in the work place, which makes work a little bit easier. I feel like I can talk to my colleagues about life, can laugh with them or sulk with them when necessary. I feel truly comfortable, and that is a great feeling.

On Wednesdays, my group of three volunteers, all of whom are clients, come in and help me restock and organize the pantry. They are fantastic guys whose company I truly enjoy. They joke around with me, but talk to me like they've known me forever. Jabbar bought me a sandwich at Burger King one day, which meant the world to me. Dwayne told me one day that it was crazy how they felt so close to me so quickly, whereas it usually takes a month or so for them even to feel comfortable around the new JV. Gary made me a really nice card that said, "Welcome to the Roof. We're so glad you're here." It means so much more to me coming from the clients because it shows not only that they appreciate me, but also that they accept me. This was most seen with a client, Joseph, who I have given a hard time since the day I met him. He likes to try and see if you'll give in to his requests - for example one day he had an appointment and went "shopping" at the pantry right afterwards. He spent the next couple of hours hanging out at the office waiting for the bus, and while he waited, our fresh produce was dropped off. Joseph loves bananas and begged me to give him some, even though he had already shopped. I told him no, that he could have waited to shop, etc. etc. - establishing my place as the person who runs the pantry. He joked around like he was mad, but I knew he was just kidding. On Wednesday, we had an Arts and Crafts session with a woman who does card making with rubber stamps. Joseph told me that my name should be Brattney, not Brittney, and that there was no way he would make me a card. About an hour later, he came up to me with a card he made - on the front it said "Welcome! Thank You!" and inside he signed his name. That's when I knew that the clients truly accept me and feel comfortable with me.

Now remember, I said that those great highs were immediately followed by hard lows. Monthly billing is due at the end of the day this Monday, so most of the week was spent finishing up paperwork that was not finished when it should have been. I was becoming very frustrated because I was doing other people's work, work that should have been done weeks ago. I found myself having to "be creative" as Miss Jeanette says in order to show why clients need financial assistance. It was hard for me, though, to sign my name on something I was not proud of or something that I thought maybe wasn't right. I spent all day Thursday and most of the day Friday fuming that I had to do work that was not my own - paperwork for appointments I hadn't even been a part of, that I knew nothing about. The most frustrating part was that some of the paperwork had NO notes on it that would even help me finish the work. It was then that I realized that I need to remember why I'm here, what I'm trying to do, what I'm working on learning. It is my first professional job and I am learning about the dynamics of the office. It is just hard for me to know that I have only been there for four weeks and can get my work done efficiently and correctly, while others who have been there for longer than me cannot. With each day, I learn how to deal with it, how to talk to Miss Jeanette about my frustrations, and how to continue to insure that my work is done correctly so I don't fall into a similar pattern as others.

Saturday was a beautiful day here in North Carolina. For those of you who have been wondering - it has been in the 90s nearly every day since we arrived in Raleigh. When it isn't in the 90s, it is in the high 80s. I miss the cool feeling of fall, the feel of the wind stinging my nose a little bit on the walk to McGinley in the mornings. My roommates and I decided we wanted to go for a hike yesterday, and we sure picked the perfect day for it. It was cooler, though still in the 80s, and most of the trail we hiked was in the shade. There was a light breeze throughout our 6 mile hike. The state park we were at was absolutely beautiful. The trail brought us alongside a pretty creek, past all kinds of trees, near trees whose branches bent in unfathomable ways. It was such a peaceful time for all of us, to just breathe in the fresh air and to appreciate the opportunity to relax. It was the perfect end to the week and start to the weekend.

During our hike, Kate and I talked about a film we had watched Friday night - Milk. For those of you who have never seen it or have never heard of it, it is based on the true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to a major public office. He was assassinated in the late 1970s. We started talking about homophobia, racism, immigration, and a number of other issues. I have been thinking a lot lately about the injustices that exist in our society, but also about how those injustices are perpetuated each and every day. We are a product of the environments in which we grow up - whether we accept what we are taught or challenge what we are taught, either way, we are a product of that environment. Racism and homophobia are present throughout our country and are prejudices are taught to children each and every day, whether by their parents or through the news. How do we conquer that? How do we end such hatred? How do we teach acceptance? Why is it that people hate others just because they are "different"? This is a topic that I know I will reflect on for the rest of my life, and it is something I needed to share in the hopes that others, too, will think about it.

Big shout out this week to my mom and Team Hanger who completed Reach the Beach, a 200-mile relay across New Hampshire this weekend. Way to go!

Peace, Justice, and Understanding

Though I worked only four days this week, thanks to the Labor Day holiday, and the week seemed to fly by, each day was truly busier than the next. Whether it was handling my own appointments, helping Miss Jeanette with paperwork, or running the pantry, I only had a chance to breathe when I went to the gym after work each day. It was the only chance for me to stop, reflect, and gather my thoughts. And geez, there were a lot of thoughts to gather this week - yet, I am only going to tell you about Friday and Saturday.

During an update and financial appointment with a client and his sister who helps care for him, I began to realize how lucky and how thankful I am to have grown up in a family that can provide for me and that has always been fully supportive of my decisions. The man that I met with Friday afternoon was diagnosed with HIV in the late 1980s and with AIDS about 6 years ago. When he was diagnosed with AIDS, his doctor told him he only had 6 months to live, yet he has lived for nearly 7, though he has struggle and suffered throughout those years. His sister quit her job 6 years ago to dedicate herself to caring for him. Let me paint a quick picture for you of the brother and sister that I met in our lobby that day. I saw an older woman who was clearly struggling financially. Next to her, I saw a younger man, whose youth was hidden behind wrinkles, dark splotches on his skin, and an oxygen tank connected by tubes to his nose. Sure, I was scared going into this appointment. This was the first time I had met someone living with AIDS who was currently struggling with his/her health. Most of the people I have worked with for the past couple of years are fairly healthy and show little sign of having any illness. 

As I talked to these siblings, I became quickly aware of the love that exists between them as well as the tension that exists between a brother and a sister. Throughout the appointment, they became comfortable with me and began to share their story with me, stories that broke my heart, but at the same time gave me hope. I learned about the man's attempted suicide years ago; their parents' deaths, as well as those of their two other brothers; the alcoholism that existed in their family which both of them have conquered. I learned more about the man's illness, his bought with cancer, bronchitis, pneumonia, and nearly every kind of opportunistic infection to which one living with AIDS can be exposed. I was directly confronted with the LONG list of close to 40 medications that he must take every day, a list around which his life literally revolves. I learned about his panic attacks and anxiety, especially when no one is near him, as well as his depression; his lack of energy; the trouble he has writing because of that lack of energy; his love of the Bible; his fear of germs that stems from his fear of getting any more ill; and his sadness of not being able to go to church on Sundays because of the exposure to germs. I stopped to think about my own life and the things that I take for granted each day - my family; the ease at paying for unexpected costs; having an immune system that fights back. Why has God made me so lucky?

While others struggle each day in poverty, with illnesses, with loneliness and others are ignorant of the national and global reality, I really started to think about my faith in God. Often times I have wondered how God can exist if there is so much suffering and hatred in the world. God would not allow for these things to happen. He would not allow for something as tragic as September 11th to happen to our world. Yet, somehow, the more pain I see, the more I believe in God. It is not God who has created the pain and suffering of the world; the oppression and injustice; the lack of understanding between people, between cultures, between countries. Humankind has created these things.

I often think of a quote that Ian shared with our Nashville team during a reflection one time. It comes from the film Evan Almighty: "Let me ask you something: If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If someone prays for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them the opportunities to be courageous? If someone prays for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

Nine years and one day ago, we all watched with horror and terror in our eyes as we saw the lack of understanding that exists in this world kill thousands; as we saw pure hatred take down the beautiful Twin Towers. I cannot allow myself to respond with hatred or to pray for revenge. It sickens me to know that people do. I just continue to pray for peace, for justice, for an open mind that may help lead to understanding. I believe that God will grant us these things, but they will not just magically appear. As the quote above says, God will give us the opportunities to work toward peace. If we don't acknowledge those opportunities, we close ourselves off to God. We perpetuate the issues. What if God is telling us that in order to work for peace, we must face hatred head on and battle it by taking the time to learn, to immerse ourselves in other cultures and religions? When I was in that appointment Friday, it was hard for me to understand how someone could suffer so much, yet walk away pushing forward with all that he has. My friend John always says, "Remember how you felt on September 11th. Act like you did on September 12th." God challenges us so that we can grow, that we can experience, and that we can work towards a world that is just and peaceful.

Prayer of Pope Benedict XVI during his visit to Ground Zero in 2008:

"God of peace, bring your peace to our violent world: peace in the hearts of all men and women and peace among the nations of the earth. Turn to your way of love those whose hearts and minds are consumed with hatred. God of understanding, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this tragedy, we seek your light and guidance as we confront such terrible events. Grant that those whose lives were spared may live so that the lives lost here may not have been lost in vain. Comfort and console us, strengthen us in hope, and give us the wisdom and courage to work tirelessly for a world where true peace and love reign among nations and in the hearts of all."

I ask you to please, take a minute and think about it. What can you do to work toward peace, justice, and understanding each day?

Patience to Accept the Truth

One of my favorite things about JVC is that I am not only learning about HIV/AIDS at my placement, but I am learning about each of the social justice issues that my roommates are working with, as well as those issues which are most prominent here in Raleigh and in North Carolina. In my first post, I made mention of the current situation happening here in Wake County, NC concerning the school board and the possibility of a legal form of re-segregation of the schools. This past Monday night, a few of us went to a prayer service held at Pullen Memorial Baptist Church concerning this issue. It was great to walk into a room with no expectations except to learn and quickly see blacks, whites, young, old, people of all different faith traditions. We prayed together for the welfare of the children and for doing what is in their best interest. We learned about the history of the integration of schools in Wake County, and I was startled by the fact that it took nearly 17 years after Brown v. Board of Education for Wake County to make swift steps toward integrating their schools. Now, 39 years later, the county is moving backwards. Education is a right and every individual must have the right to an equal education, regardless of skin color, socioeconomic standing, faith, or gender. School is a place not only for learning from teachers and textbooks, but where children and youth are able to learn from and with one another - from their different backgrounds, cultures, and ways of living. What would East Hartford, CT be like if we moved towards re-segregating our schools? I can't imagine how different my life would be.


This week at work was a bit of a challenge, but it taught me a lot and pushed me to work harder in order to work towards understanding. I did my first intake by myself on Tuesday, which was a little nerve-wrecking. The hardest thing I dealt with in the intake was when I asked the woman when she was diagnosed with HIV. She told me that she didn't know, that it was a few years ago but that she wasn't really sure. I was so taken aback and wondered how someone could not know the moment when his/her life was changed forever. I still remember the exact date when I broke my leg because it changed me completely, yet this woman did not know when she was diagnosed with HIV. At first, I kind of sat in shock and when talking to my roommates about it, felt angered out of confusion. After spending some time really thinking about it, though, I realize that I have a lot to learn about how people cope with illness, with change, and with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis. Everyone is different, and it takes people different amounts of time to accept something like this. Denial can last for more than a few months - it can last for years. This was a good moment for me to take a step back and realize that I cannot judge, that I cannot assume, that I must work towards learning and understanding where people come from and what their lives are like.


The same day as that happened, I met a 23-year old client new to the North Carolina area who had been very recently diagnosed with HIV. My heart stopped for a few seconds when I found out his age, as it hit so close to home. I was not concerned about me or my safety, as I know how to protect myself and know that I will protect myself against HIV and other STDs. All I could think about at learning that he was 23 was my thesis - how if only one person at Fordham was HIV positive, our campus could become a hotbed for the spread of HIV. Teenagers and young adults today are living lives that are sexually driven, and the hookup culture is dominant. How do we reach out to others to help them understand their risks? After spending 5 months working on my thesis and becoming so much more aware of how Fordham students (and really high school and college students across the country) put themselves at risk for becoming infected with HIV and other STDs each and every day, each time I learn about outbreaks in colleges or meet people like this 23-year old young man, I can't help but become afraid of what can happen. I fear for my friends, my classmates, and others who put themselves at risk, but am so unsure of how to reach out to them. This is something I hope to learn more about and work on throughout this year and in the future.


A few posts ago, I mentioned that the North Carolina Central Prison is less than a mile from our house and is home to the inmates on North Carolina's death row. The death penalty is constantly a topic of conversation down here. On Thursday evening, Maryann, Kate, and myself headed to Durham to watch a screening of the PBS documentary "No Tomorrow" (airing on PBS in October - look for it). The documentary focuses on a young woman whose life was featured on a previous PBS documentary, and who was murdered about a year later. The film goes into detail about the trial of her killer and how the first documentary was used during the penalty phase to persuade the jury to vote for the death penalty. Going into all of this, I believed that I was for the death penalty, that a person who kills someone else should be killed for what they've done. But the more I learn, the more I reflect, and the more I question, I am coming to new conclusions. This film really brought me to new ideas and questions. Who are we to decide who lives and who dies? What about the families of the inmates who are executed? By killing a killer, we are creating more unrest in a community rather than working toward healing the community. Not to mention the statistics that show the racial and gender bias of the death penalty, the rate of exoneration for those later found innocent, the amount of money that could be saved with a life without parole sentence rather than a death penalty sentence, etc etc. 


What really gets me though is the idea that the death penalty can be a deterrent and that people are less likely to kill if they know that they can possibly be killed by the state for their crime. For a long time, I thought that this was true but as I learn more about life in poor communities, the history of gangs and street violence, I realize that most young people in these communities do not fear death like others do because they are surrounded by death. Spending time in jail does not scare some of them and the idea of being sentenced to death doesn't either. Jail doesn't scare gang members who struggle to survive each day. All in all, I am learning and as I learn, I am finding my beliefs challenged, transformed, and sometimes even changed.


I am loving this experience dearly. When my mom asked me the other day if it was weird that I didn't start school this week, I realized that it actually wasn't because each day I am learning and growing, as though I were in school. I am beginning to value what I learn outside of the classroom much more and am so thankful for this experience. I just hope that as I learn, I am helping others to think, to reflect, to question, and to challenge themselves.