God Moments

Working for social justice really pushes one to reflect on where he or she sees God in their daily activities and interactions.  I have always wondered what it means to “see God.” Was it the time when one of my clients walked in and shared how important his relationship with God is to his survival and understanding about his current situation? Or what about that time that a client looked me in the eye and said, “I love you, Ms. Brittney. Thank you.”? I push myself each day to reflect on those “God moments,” but I often struggle to really identify them, as though I have closed myself off to experiencing God.

I remember that moment that Jamez walked into the office with his mom and dad. His little four year old body hid behind his mom as I walked up to ask him if he wanted a snack. He very quietly said yes, and that is where our friendship began. For the next two hours while his mom and dad were in appointments, Jamez followed me around the office, holding my hand. I gave him popsicles to enjoy, and he helped me to restock the pantry with items that were donated by a generous faith community that morning. Even though he started off very shy and seemingly frightened of me, after fifteen minutes or so, it was as though we had known each other for a long time and were old friends.  At lunch time, I remembered the mac ‘n’ cheese leftovers I had brought with me for lunch. Jamez had told me how much he loves macaroni and cheese, so I told him he could have some of my lunch. We worked together to get plates and forks, and even to microwave the food. When we sat down to eat, I told Jamez, “Ok. Let’s eat.” He looked at me, confused, and stuck out his hands. His beautiful four-year old eyes looked up at me and said, “Wait. We have to say grace first.” He grabbed my hands, and I listened as he prayed, “Thank you, God, for this food. Amen.”

I find it challenging to see God in each day when I work with people who suffer so much, from poverty and from HIV infection. To see a four-year old walk into the office and know that, in his short life, he has seen more and struggled more than I have in my twenty-two years, really makes me question my faith. Why would God allow people to suffer? Why would God allow such injustice? When a little boy looks at you and tells you to say grace, though, your perspective changes. After feeling like I have closed myself off to experiencing God for so long, Jamez changed me. He showed me what it is to experience God and have those God moments.

Strength. Confidence. Expression. Growth.

"In true community we will not choose our companions, for our choices are so often limited by self-serving moments. Our companions will be given to us by grace. Often they will be persons who will upset our settled view of self and world." - Parker J. Palmer

As we all know, my life revolves around my relationships with other people. Connections are what have shaped my life. Working with others and learning from others is the foundation of who I am. With each passing day, I feel like the intentional community I am a part of in my house, my community with my co-workers, and my community with my clients grows stronger. I am finding my way more easily in each of these communities, and I have developed a much more defined sense of belonging amongst the people with whom I interact everyday. In two short months, I have learned more about myself, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my faith because I have been challenged to do so by living among new friends and working among new colleagues. 

Life at work is beginning to feel much more natural. I no longer feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to figure out which things annoy which people or as I learn about the experiences of individual co-workers. I feel bonds forming as I become more and more comfortable amongst my colleagues. Take Ms. Jeanette for example. She is the kind of woman who jumps head first into any new relationship with a person, and that is exactly how she jumped into ours. I have felt a very strong connection with her since day one. She's like a mom, an aunt, and a grandma all at the same time. She confides in me, she lets me ask for help even when she's in the middle of something, and she speaks her mind. She inspires me each day with her unbelievable compassion and her ability to connect with clients through mutual respect and understanding. She inspires me to push harder, to give life my all, and to always thank God for what I have been blessed with. Then there's Charla, our Prevention for Positives counselor. She is 24 and absolutely awesome. We have deep conversations about going back to school and our hopes for the future. She reminds to me to push for what I believe in and to never give up on my dreams. And there's also Ms. Carolyn, our director of Faith Ministries. She is one of the most brilliant women I have ever met. She is so dedicated to her work and would give up everything for those she fights for each day. Someday I hope to be like her. It is finally starting to feel like I belong, like I am a vital part of the community that we refer to as our office family. After two months, it no longer feels like I am only here for a little while, but that I will be here for a year. It is wonderful to feel like a new home is being built brick by brick.

The pantry is starting to become more than just a place where my clients come to get the food they may not be able to afford. It is becoming a place for conversation, a place for getting to know one another, a place for learning new things about each other. Like when Mr. James came in so excited to tell me about the job he got at the State Fair that's keeping him busy. Or when Weaver told me about the beautiful love between his mother and father that he got to see each day of his life until a couple of years ago. Or when Patricia was excited to tell me that her two young daughters are doing so well in school, and that she is finally back on the medications that she needs to fight HIV in her body. The pantry is becoming a place for bonds to form, a function that I never thought possible for such a little space full of food could have. On Wednesday afternoon, before the pantry opened, I had the opportunity to sit down with some clients and watch a movie. Throughout the film, I felt so connected to each one of them. We laughed together, yelled at the characters together, and even fell in love with the story together. I felt like I was in unity with them, a truly blessed feeling. I am so grateful to be learning from each client, and to know that many of them respect me, trust me, and will confide in me if they need to. Like Rudy, for instance. He told me all about life after his wife left him a few months ago, expressing how hard it has been living on an income of one person instead of two joint incomes. He told me how he barely has money to buy food and how thankful he is that I am there to help him. My clients challenge me everyday; they push me to look at the world through different eyes, with a new perspective. I am blessed to have them and to be experiencing life with them.

And then there's the wonderful community that I come home to after work each day; the girls that offer support when I need it and their ears to listen as I share about my day. We had the chance this weekend to connect with each other on a different level through conversation. We sat down to discuss our joys, challenges, and hopes for each individual relationship in the community. At first, I was nervous not only to share my own thoughts but also to hear what everyone else had to say. The nerves, though, disappeared as soon as I sat down with Kate for the very first conversation. I have never found it so easy to share my thoughts and feelings with people whom I've only known for a short while. Nor have I ever realized how important it is to maintain healthy individual relationships in order for the community to prosper. It is really beautiful to watch us build our community together, as we challenge each other and support each other each day.

The quote that started this post could not be more true to my life right now. Even though I did not have the opportunity to choose my companions - those I live with, work with, and work for - I am truly blessed to know each one of them. Each person, whether a roommate or a client, pushes me to think more deeply and more fully. They shake my belief system, forcing me to examine it more closely. They most certainly have "upset my settled view of self and world." This is the beauty of my life right now; the true beauty of being forced to look within myself and to reexamine who I am and whom I wish to become.

1 in 22

This week has been very up and down. When it was hard, it was really difficult and challenging, but when it was great, it was truly wonderful. I am really beginning to feel at home at AAS-C. My colleagues are such wonderful people and we've had the opportunity to connect as challenges have presented themselves in the work place. At my office, there are eight of us who work for AAS-C and eight who work for Wake County Human Services. On Friday, our Client Services quarterly report was due. Now, I remember those days at OSLCD when you couldn't talk to anyone in the office because the quarterly report was due. I remember how my favorite ladies could be found slaving over their computers for hours trying to meet their deadlines. So when I found out we had to write a quarterly report, oh man did I have an idea what was coming. Luckily, my part was easy, but putting all of our numbers and ideas together was pretty difficult and hectic. Not to mention - this is the very first quarterly report the department has ever had to write and we just found out about it about one week before it was due. It was really amazing to watch us all come together to help Ms. Jeanette get it done. I helped her crunch the numbers while Charla helped her type up the positives and negatives of the quarter. Even though we stayed at work one night until 7pm, it felt so nice to know that we all have each other's backs especially when it is most needed.

After our staff meeting on Wednesday, I got a phone call at work from Javier who works in the Prevention department specifically with Latinos. Friday was National Latino AIDS Awareness day and his prevention team was holding a free testing event in Durham out of a mobile health van. He knew how energetic I was and asked if I wanted to join them to do outreach and get people to come and get tested. I jumped at the opportunity and got the appropriate approval at the office. We all know how much I love events like this. As the prevention team from El Centro Hispano, who Javier collaborates with on these kinds of projects, pulled up and began talking to each other, I realized I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I cannot speak Spanish. When I do think I can speak Spanish, I suddenly start speaking Italian again. For example, there was a little boy with one of the staff members and I asked him "Come ti chiami?" He just stared at me. It took me at least 45 seconds before I realized that I had asked him what his name was in ITALIAN. Needless to say, it was an interesting evening as I went with the outreach team door to door in the apartment complexes in the area. Luckily, not everyone in the community spoke Spanish, so I had my chance to convince people to come get tested, too. While I was flagging down cars, I saw two young African-American girls walking down the street so I ran over to talk to them. They are probably about 19 years old. Both were really excited about getting tested and even brought a friend when they came back. It felt good to know that I helped in some way, especially when the latest statistic says 1 in 22 African-Americans will become infected with HIV at some point in their lives. 1 in 22. That number terrifies me, so I'm glad that I got a couple of young ladies to get tested, even if they had been tested before. I had so much fun that evening, running around screaming "Free Condoms. Free HIV Tests." I was in my element, aside from the whole Spanish speaking thing.

The North Carolina State Fair is apparently a big deal, so a few of us decided we couldn't miss out on it. Now, none of us have ever been to a state fair. County fairs, yes. The Big E, yes. Church fairs, yes. But a state fair, especially in a big state like North Carolina - we had no idea what to expect and boy were we shocked and amazed. When we arrived on Saturday evening around 4:30pm, there were huge lines to buy tickets just to get in. The traffic just to get near the fairgrounds was insane! Upon entering the giant place, I was immediately overwhelmed by how many people there were. To put it simply, there were probably more than 30,000 people. The fairgrounds are at least 5x bigger than the Big E, for those of you from New England. There are two separate sections of rides and games and food vendors everywhere! I think I got run over by a stroller maybe 4 times and walked into people on numerous occasions. At one point, I saw a 5 year old boy wandering around and I said, to no one in particular, "Who's kid is this?" Luckily his dad was standing right next to me. Two hours at the fair was more than enough. In the big expo center, they were having a cow show...like a dog show, except with huge cows. I never thought that cows could be truly domesticated and yesterday I realized that they can't be. The cows did not want to follow the lead of their showers. It was kind of entertaining especially because the showers were all like 12 and under trying to guide these huge cows. We also got to see North Carolina's largest pumpkin - weighing more than 800 pounds. Now that was cool. And of course what fair would be complete without a Sham-Wow presentation. As always, I wanted to buy those Sham-Wows more than anything at the fair. But instead, I settled for some fried dough. It was quite an experience at the good ole North Carolina State Fair. I'm pretty sure words do it no justice.

While I'm finding my place here in Raleigh, I'm finding time to explore the culture, and let me tell you - between the testing event on Friday and the state fair yesterday, North Carolina is not quite what I expected it to be.

True Joy

My apologies for missing a week here, but things have been much busier than usual. Even the past two weekends have left very little room for free time. I am not complaining about this, as I have loved every minute of everything I've done on the weekends. Each activity, each person we've met with, each hour spent at work, has been enriching and has opened my eyes to something new - whether it be an issue I've never thought about, a person's point of view that I'd never considered, or a faith that I'd never explored. I hope that through this post, I am able to make you think a little deeper, intrigue you with a new thought, and maybe even cause you to look more closely at your everyday activities and interactions.

With each day, I am learning what makes me smile, what makes my heart beat a little faster, and what makes me want to get up in the morning. I am finding out, though slowly, what it is that I am truly in love with, what my deepest passion really is. In a couple of weeks, a group of about 15 high school students is coming to volunteer at Under One Roof for the day, probably helping to reorganize the pantry and the clothes closet, as well as decorating the client room. As part of their community volunteer day program, a representative from the agency with which they will be volunteering goes in to the class to talk to them about what the agency does and why. Because this particular group will be working directly with me, I had the chance to talk to the students for an hour. Their teacher told me he was completely flexible on what I talked to them about so I split it up a bit, talking about the basic facts about HIV/AIDS, what we do at AAS-C, and why are services are important not only to our clients but also in order to help bring an end to the epidemic. I went into the talk feeling pretty nervous, even though most of what I had to say I know so well and have talked to so many others about. But I kept remembering that I have never really talked to high school students - mostly just college friends and older. I was pretty surprised with how things went. The students were very responsive, trying to answer questions and show what they know. They also had great questions to ask and weren't embarrassed to say things like "vaginal sex" or "semen." While I was explaining the services that we offer to clients as AAS-C, I could tell that they did not fully understand why we provide our clients with services that are not strictly medical. They were struggling to grasp why it is necessary to assist our clients financially with housing, food, transportation, etc. These students helped me to realize that prevention education is not only about teach others how to protect themselves. It is also about reducing stigma and helping others to understand that HIV is about much more than just the medical side of things. Talking to these students really brought out the best in me and helped to amplify my passion even more.

My favorite moment of the week came on Wednesday. For the past three weeks or so, my friendships with my volunteers have developed into something special. I check in with them once a week (aside from when they come in on Wednesdays) and I feel for them when things don't go according to plan. They are wonderful gentlemen who look out for me in return, making sure no clients take advantage of me or even just spending time educating me about the south - something I think they've taken on as a hobby. The past couple of weeks have been difficult for Gary and Dwayne for a number of reasons, many of which they haven't shared with me. I have known that something isn't right and rather than probing to find out what is going on, I call them on Tuesdays to let them know I'm thinking about them and that I hope I'll see them the following day. This Wednesday, before they left the office for the day, Dwayne told me how much they truly appreciate me calling them because it lets know that I care, that they are needed, and that they are appreciated. Both he and Gary gave me big hugs and then said three little worlds that melted my heart: We love you. Tears came to my eyes, and each time I recount this story, those tears return. It became so clear to me in that moment that not only do I mean something to them and do they care about me, but I know that I am making a difference in their lives somehow. In such a short time, I have been touched so strongly by these two wonderful men. The craziest thing is, I still have so much to learn from both of them.

Works of HeART, our agency's major fundraiser, took place this weekend. It is a weekend of art with both silent and live auctions. All of the AAS-C staff had to help set up on Friday during the day to get everything ready, including the art hung up on standing panels and numbered correctly. Somehow, I had a lot of fun doing this. I had the chance to spend time with staff members at our other offices who I either haven't met or have only spent a little bit of time with. I also got to check out some cool art and realize a bit more fully that I have very little appreciation for art. (I thought a painting about the Serengetti was three meatballs on forks.) On Saturday night, I got to get all dressed up in my semi-formal attire and go to the auction. I wasn't sure if I'd be put to work when I got there, and as I was getting ready to leave, Camille said, "Just the girl I was looking for. Mike and Mark are waiting for you in the auditorium." As I walked into the auditorium where the live auction would be held sometime later, I was told that I would be a spotter for the evening. For those of you who have never been to an auction, especially an auction that is a fundraiser, the spotters are not only responsible for making sure the correct bidder number is written down for each piece. We practically have to harass the bidders so as to encourage them to bid more often times by reminding them about the cause and how much their money will help the agency and our clients. Now, just imagine me in my pretty dress running up and down the aisles clapping obnoxiously and yelling "Come on!! One more time!!" So. much. fun!!! I was totally in my element. haha

And then there was today. Ms. Carolyn (our Director of Faith Ministries at AAS-C) and I met at Christian Faith Baptist Church to set up a table at their health fair and to collect food from the food drive they had for our pantry. Carolyn asked me to join her for worship before the health fair, so I attended my very first Baptist service. I knew that it would be unlike any Catholic mass I'd ever been to, and I was very excited to see something different. I could write about this for many pages, so I'll just hit you with the most striking observation. Joy is an interesting thing; it is more than happiness; it is fulfilling. Throughout the two-hour service, I saw pure joy in each of the individuals gathered at the church. I saw it in the music, as everyone swayed side to side singing their hearts out with such energy and passion. I saw it during the greeting when individuals actually walked around the entire church to say good morning to friends, family, and strangers. It was joy like I'd never seen before. The joy became even stronger throughout the service when people felt moved by the Spirit of simply by the word. It became so clear to me that the joy that I saw today came from many people who struggle daily. To know that one can suffer and still show such joy in proclaiming Jesus as their savior really touches my soul and encourages me to look more closely at my own faith, how I approach my spirituality and my relationship with God, and my approach to mass on Sundays. Joy is a beautiful thing. I feel joy when I play soccer. I am filled with joy when I know I have made a difference. Never, though, have I thought about how my spirituality and faith bring me joy. I am looking forward to attending many more worship services of other denominations and faiths because I believe that each has something to teach me about myself and my spirituality.

These experiences this week have really pushed me to remember that throughout my life, I must push myself to learn so that I can seek to understand. I know that there is much that I do  not know and I only hope that experiences like these will show me not only who I am and what makes me happy, but also how I can shape my life through experiences.