When we left for our Ignatian Retreat last weekend, I kept thinking to myself, how the heck am I gonna be silent for 48 hours? How can I possibly be around people - my friends, for that matter - and remain silent? (For all you doubters....somehow I made it through.) And then, of course, there were the other questions directed more at the spiritual aspect of the retreat...is God going to speak to me? Am I actually open to hearing what God might say? A week after returning to Raleigh, I can honestly say that silence is a blessing and that weekend was a gift.
So often, my days are pretty busy running around, meeting new clients, talking to old clients, chatting with my roommates, and such that I rarely have time just to sit back and relax. I love my work and I love the young women I live with - don't get me wrong - but sometimes it is so nice just to be able to stop, listen to the birds or the rain coming down and simply reflect on all that life has been. This year, as you all know, has been amazing for me. It has provided me so much opportunity for growth, has shaped my worldview, and allowed me to think more deeply about justice, peace, and faith. Our retreat last weekend provided me with the chance to be with myself, to be with my thoughts, to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going, and to talk with God about how my work is His work. Some of you may think I'm a quack for talking about God in such a way - as though He is right there with me and I can engage Him in conversation. I used to think that, too, but much of this year has been a continuous dialogue with God - maybe not a dialogue in the sense of two people talking to each other using words, but a dialogue nonetheless.
On April 28th, I lost my first client to AIDS; the first person I've lost to this epidemic. When I found out that he had died, I was shocked. I had just seen him at the beginning of April when he came in for financial assistance because he had lost his job. He didn't seem sick to me; he seemed very much like himself aside from the fact that he was upset over being let go by his employer. I don't know if I was most bothered by his death and not having recognized that he was ill, or if I was bothered by the fact that I never reached out to him in the time that I knew him. He always struck me as an angry person, someone who often seemed mad at the world. Because of this, I selfishly avoided him a lot. I didn't want him to bring me down, and I didn't want to fuel his fire in any way. So I tried to keep my distance. This was often pretty easy because he would come to the pantry pretty late in the day, when I could just let him go back there himself. I didn't want to get caught up in his anger, and I didn't want him to take it out on me, like I've had clients do in the past. I rarely gave him my time; I rarely took the time to listen or to simply chat about whatever, like I do with so many clients. Leading up to the retreat, I really felt like I had turned my back on him...and now he is gone.
During the retreat, two phrases were on repeat in my mind: Harden not my heart and Do not be afraid. Along with those phrases was one other word: Forgiveness. I have struggled with forgiveness for such a long time - a Cavaliere through and through. When I was a kid, my dad had a "list" upon which he would place the names of establishments that had some how ticked him off. If I wanted to go to Pizza Hut, for example, Dad would say, "No way. They're on the list." Forgiveness. What does that even mean? And why is it playing through my head over and over as I sit in silence. Every Sunday at mass, when I say the Lord's Prayer, I find myself saying "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who have trespassed against us," a little bit softer than the rest of the words. In my silent reflection and in my prayer, I was able to finally recognize a breakthrough for myself...
Forgiveness is not so much about accepting the apologies of those who have hurt you. Forgiveness isn't about fixing relationships or getting past the hurt or the anger. Forgiveness is about letting go of the bitterness. Forgiveness is about moving forward and continuing to love. Mother Teresa says, "Non-forgiving can destroy you for life. We keep thinking of that word that sister said but we need to acknowledge our sin, to be able to forgive." Forgiveness is about forgiving ourselves; it is about recognizing our own faults. So much of what I have learned this year is the importance of making myself vulnerable: to hurt, to heartbreak, to grief, to a lack of understanding, to anger. In the silence, God reminded me of the connection between love and forgiveness. I know that I cannot fully love God, others, or even myself, until I have forgiven.
The day after returning from retreat, I found out that a client I care deeply for is growing more and more frail with each passing day. His sister, who has cared for him for the past 7 years, came into the office recently seeking assistance financially and emotionally. I spoke with her for a long time in the pantry as she told me about her brother's current suffering and about her own struggles. As he lives in pain, though, his light shines through and gives her hope and strengthens her faith. I went to visit them with Ms. Jeanette a couple of days later. When I saw him, I first noticed how his legs have deteriorated. He easily weighs less than I do, and his legs are so frail, they look like they may crumble right under him. But, his light continues to shine through. We all talked and talked about all kinds of things - family, food, faith. As Ms. Jeanette and I got ready to leave, John looked up and started talking about his faith. He told us how he longs to have someone to study the Bible with and to talk to about his sins. He said that he believes some of his sins have not been forgiven and he cries so much over that. Ms. Jeanette said that tears are a symbol of repentance. I could see it in John's eyes and hear it in his voice. He was saying, "I cannot leave this Earth until I have forgiven myself. I cannot let go until I have forgiven."
My time in Raleigh has shown me so much about the world and exposed me to the reality of the social injustice that exists in our world. With each person I meet, I learn more about myself because with each person, God is showing me something. In silence, I truly thought that God was leading me to forgiveness, but it was not until hearing John talk about forgiveness that I really knew that I am ready. I am ready to let go; I am ready to move on; I am ready to forgive myself and move forward with my life. The silence was a gift and a blessing, but I could not have found the beauty in the silence without the experiences I have had this year.
