"Look How Far I've Come"

It feels like this week has just been a huge blur. Sure, the days often blend together because most of my days contain the same work but with different clients. But this week has been different. I spent four days working with the same client, a nice man named Terry. On Monday, Terry came to me for a financial appointment. As he walked into my office, I asked him the typical, "How are you doing today," to which he responded, "Not so good." Each day I work with clients who are not doing so good, but it is very rare that a client will tell me that. They often times will say something like, "Blessed to be here" or "Doing alright." When Terry told me that he wasn't doing so good, I sensed that this appointment would be a little different than the others.

Terry was given a two-day eviction notice last tuesday from his apartment where he had lived with his friend for almost five years. His friend found a place to live instantly as she has a little bit of income. Terry is jobless and makes his money doing odd jobs when his arthritis isn't so painful that he can barely move. Terry is not the first homeless client whom I have met and worked with, but he is the first one who asked me for help in finding a place to rest his head at night. I sat with him and went through the resources I know - the Wilmington St. Men's Shelter and Raleigh Rescue Mission. We went back and forth talking about these options, but his frustrations were so strong that he wouldn't accept those as his only options, either. He kept challenging me to look for more resources, to push harder to find something that would work for him. At one point, he looked at me and said, "Just shoot me in the head. Might as well end it now." I became so overwhelmed, almost to the point of tears, that I couldn't think straight, let alone look more closely at available resources. But Terry wouldn't let me give up on him like that. He wouldn't let me just watch him walk away. I felt the pressure, and I knew it was not him saying that I wasn't doing enough or not doing my job. He was feeling hopeless and so confused. I knew he was asking himself how it could have gotten to this point.

I went to Ms. Jeanette and begged her to talk to Terry, to hear his story, to do whatever she could. I could not just watch him walk out the door without some kind of solution to the problem. She spent about 15 minutes chatting with him, listening to him, and came up with an idea for which she gives me credit. There is a men's "shelter" run by the AME Church that provides men with a place to sleep, a place to shower, and one meal a day for $60 per week. The men are guaranteed a place so long as they pay and can stay there all day, every day, if they so choose. Ms. Jeanette came up with the idea that we could see if we could pay for Terry to stay there for a few weeks, at least through Christmas. When I asked our boss, he said yes - an answer I honestly did not expect. Terry now had a place to stay for at least 2 weeks. Also, James told me that I could refer Terry to the Hustead House, one of AAS-C's residential homes for people living with HIV. I sent Terry on his way to the AMEC shelter with the agreement that he would return the next day to fill out the Hustead House application with me. My hope had been restored, at least for that time, as I watched Terry walked out the door knowing he had a place to stay that night.

When he came back on Tuesday, he was looking more cheerful. He was walking straighter with a little more pep in his step. I told him that he looked a lot better, that I could tell he was in a better mood than the day before. He was clearly more comfortable and feeling like he was in a better situation. He joked with me throughout our appointment and when I told him his whole demeanor seemed more positive he told me, "This is the real Terry." As we filled out the Hustead House application together, I could sense that he was a lot more comfortable talking to me about his situation and telling his story than he was the day before. He told me about his kids, who are around my age, and how his youngest daughter is in college now. He told me all about his brothers and sisters, and his mom. He talked more about when he tested positive for HIV two years ago and about his struggles with drugs. He spoke as though we'd known each other for a lot longer than 24 hours. 

Wednesday morning, I walked into the office to two new messages from Terry telling me that he could not stay at the shelter any more, that it was not sanitary and he didn't think it was good for his health. I tried to get in touch with my boss to see if Terry could move into Hustead House that night. Luckily, his brother was willing to let him stay with him for a day or two if needed. James finally called me back and told me that Terry could move in that night if I went and picked him up and brought him to the house. I called Terry and told him the good news and we worked out a time for me to pick him up from his brother's place. This is the "big break" we'd both been waiting for. While living at the house he'll have time to spend looking for a job and he won't have to stress too much about his finances. During our car ride, Terry talked to me in a way that shows that he really trusts me. I knew as we talked that he is comfortable with me, that he believes I'm there to help, that he can talk to me if he needs to, and that he would protect me if ever needed. The ride felt like a typical ride with my dad, just chatting about the day's events, talking about football, and just making small talk. We both expressed our frustrations with certain things in life, our excitement about others, about my family, and about his. Though it was only a 15 minute ride, it is something that will stick with me for a very long time.

James met us at the house and showed us around, introducing Terry to the other house members and talking about the rules. He asked Terry about his goals, to which he responded that he wants to better himself and not have to worry anymore. As the discussion continued, it became clear that Terry was still in shock, that the past few days had also become a blur for him. Just four days before, he was homeless with no place to go and now he had a place to live for as long as he wants so long as he follows the basic rules and pays his rent. So much had happened to him in one week that he really couldn't believe this was his place now. He kept thanking me and thanking James, saying how blessed he felt. At one point he said that he didn't know how he can ever repay us. James looked him in the eye and said, " In six months, when you can look at me and say, 'This is where I was; this is where I am; look at how far I've come,' that will be enough for me. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

The whole experience was an emotional roller coaster for me - from feeling helpless to feeling like I really made a difference in Terry's life. There are plenty of times at work when I have felt helpless, when I've had to tell clients that I cannot help them with their light bill or with their rent. But this was a completely different story, a completely different situation. It experience was not about making sure a client had a place to sleep. It became more about watching Terry's emotions change, seeing our relationship develop, and seeing him develop a sense of hope when just two days earlier he was feeling completely hopeless. It became more about realizing how the structures in our society hold the poor down, how the marginalized will struggle their entire lives to move back inside the margins, how the disenfranchised are constantly dealt the bad hand, time and again. How do we work to change the structures? I ponder this question every single day.

No More Names

A week has past since World AIDS Day on December 1st, and it has taken me a week to process all that occurred in the few days leading up to WAD and on WAD itself. I had no idea what it would be like for me this year, after working day in and day out with those who are living with HIV/AIDS. I am so used to our more passive events that SGAC put on at Fordham - movie screenings, benefit dinners, HIV 101. AAS-C's Faith Ministries department - directed by Ms. Carolyn - held two events, one on AIDS Sunday and the other on World AIDS Day. Please bear with me as you read this...it is still very difficult for me to express all of the emotions I felt in those days. It has truly been unlike anything I have ever experience, and I have never become so emotional when directly confronted with stories of those living with or who have died from HIV/AIDS.

On AIDS Sunday, there was a candlelight labyrinth walk at Millbrook Baptist Church. For those of you who do not know, the labyrinth is a maze of sorts, but rather than not being able to find your way out, the path is clearly defined and there is only one way to the center and back out. It is a time for deep individual reflection. The only time I have walked one was this past March in Nashville with my wonderful team. When we got to Millbrook, I was stunned by the beauty of the garden and by how incredible the labyrinth looked with the candles all around it. Throughout the walk, a continuous reading of names took place. Names of those clients whom AAS-C has lost were read, along with other names from the AIDS Names Project. After each name, a bell was sounded. This continued for one and a half hours and about 2000 names were called - an incredibly small number/percentage of all those who have been lost to AIDS in the last 30 years. I helped read some of the names, and tears came to my eyes as I read, and I didn't even know any of the lives behind those names. I have my own list of names of people I have met who are living with HIV/AIDS: my clients, the kids I worked with this spring at Incarnation Children's Center in NYC, the guys from the ACES program when I interned at the CT AIDS Resource Coalition, and the wonderful men I met in Nashville both times I went down there. Someday they, too, will be a name on that list. I just pray that they do not die from AIDS, but from natural causes after living long, healthy, fulfilling lives. My heart breaks to know that with the right education, this pandemic can be slowed. Yet, each day I meet younger and younger clients who are living with HIV. How do we stop this? How do we fight so that no more names will have to be added to that list?

As I walked the labyrinth myself, I heard those names being called. Name after name after name. I began to reflect on the injustice associated with HIV/AIDS and about all of the people I have met who are living with the virus. Each one of them was a member of a marginalized population before they became infected. The poor; drug addicts; homosexuals; convicts/prisoners; prostitutes. Though there are people living with HIV who are middle class or even wealthy, the virus spreads much more rapidly amongst the already marginalized. Why is is that those who are already suffering are made to suffer more? It is the harshest realization to know that vital resources, resources that are essential to live and live well, are not available to all people. Even in our own country, people are living in desperate conditions - homeless, jobless, in homes that are falling apart, without running water or proper sanitation, without nutritional foods to make them stronger. And these are individuals living in the US who are most likely to become infected with HIV. Suffering on top of suffering on top of suffering, but why? How do we reconcile the idea that God created us out of unconditional love with the fact that the previously marginalized are becoming even further removed from society because they are more likely to become infected with HIV? The stigma has not disappeared and will not disappear until change is made; until new programs are implemented; until comprehensive sexual education is available to all people; until poor mothers living with HIV can afford formula for their babies so that they do not infect the infants through breastfeeding; until homosexuality is accepted. I was so angry with God as I walked toward the center of the labyrinth. As I listened to those names, my anger grew stronger. I just kept asking why. Why hurt those who are already hurting? Why take away their feelings of dignity? Haven't they suffered enough?

Once I reached the center, my thoughts started to change. I started to reflect on my place in the world, how I live today, what I do to make a difference. What have I done to change my way of life to the point that I can understand what it is like to live the lives of any of my clients? I recognize that in my own ways, I am only contributing to the issue. I am still trying to separate myself from the poor, trying to prove to myself that I can live simply, but have an out in case I really want something. My clients do not have that out. My clients rarely have such an out if there is an emergency. Peter Maurin once said, "Voluntary poverty is the answer. We cannot see our brother in need without stripping ourselves. It is the only way we have of showing love." God opened me up and forced me to really question my actions and intentions. How an I work to assure there will be no more names? How can I help bring an end to the stigma? How can I change me in order to truly practice what I preach?

World AIDS Day was a very emotional day for me - full of tears that were quickly followed by strong feelings of hope. During the day, we had Rent playing on repeat for our clients and we had our meditation room set up with candles to light in memory of friends lost to AIDS. I avoided both rooms for most of the day - until about 2pm when I sat down to watch Rent for the first time. In the characters, I saw my clients. But I saw my clients in a completely different light. I saw their struggles so much more closely. There was anger; there was fear; there was a desire to end it; there were struggles with love and friendship; there were challenges in understanding; there were financial struggles. Every scene so clearly showed me the inner struggles that I often do not get to see from my clients. I cried and cried as it was revealed to me just what it means to be HIV+ and how important it is for those who are infected and affected to have a support system. It breaks my heart to know that so many of my clients cannot tell their loved ones about their infection. I cried and cried as I realized that I can only do so much, that I am limited.

When the movie finished and the tears dried a bit, I finally made my way into the meditation room to light a candle and reflect. I sat staring at two quilts hanging on the walls - quilts made from patches created by clients, clients' families and friends, staff, and others in memory of those clients whom we have lost to AIDS. One said, "Your lives were worth living." One said, "Thank you for helping me remember why we continue to fight." Some were just names; others said "I'll always love you"; others were prayers. Each one has a story; each one represents a life lost to AIDS, as well as a life lived. I say, and I cried, and I thought about what I can do. The quilt square that stood out the most were the ones that said "No More Names" and "Until There's a Cure." All of a sudden I started praying words that I know so well - "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." The words just flowed and flowed, as though I had no control over them. I felt so liberated through those words, that I sat down to create my own quilt patch with those words on it, along with a red AIDS ribbon and the words "NO MORE NAMES." I knew, in that moment, that God has really called me to work in this ministry. I am meant to work to fight HIV/AIDS and fight for those living with and affected by the virus. THis is my vocation. THis is what I have been called by God to do.

The day ended beautifully with an Interfaith Worship Service themed "Hope is Greater Than AIDS." Ms. Carolyn asked me to lead the community in a prayer of hope, about which I felt very honored to have a role in. The service really didn't affect me until the calling of the names. One by one, twenty-two of us stood and said, "Tonight, I rise in memory of my friend, who we lost this year; and hope for the day when no one else will have to stand again...for HOPE is greater than AIDS." When it was my colleague Kristin's turn to stand, she began reading the words, and with those words came tears. I began to cry as I remembered the day a couple of months ago when she lost one of her clients, an older man who had no family, but had Kristin. She brought all of his belongings to the office after he passed on and put his Christmas teddy bear on my chair. (It now sits proudly on the bookshelf in my office). As she cried, I cried, we all cried. I saw such compassion in that church. Everyone was there for a reason - to remember those lost, those living and those we still need to protect and to pledge to continue the fight until there are no more names. After the 22 clients we've lost so far this year (make it 23 as of yesterday) were called and remembered, Carolyn asked for anyone who has lost someone to AIDS or knows someone affected by AIDS to stand, nearly every person in the church stood. Everyone is affected; it has never proven to be more true. When I saw everyone stand, I knew that we were all making a vow to continue fighting, to never forget. We vowed to keep the promise to never give up; to continue the fight until there are no more names. With hope, all things are possible. AIDS cannot beat us. For HOPE is truly greater than AIDS.

Giving Thanks

I still cannot believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone. Time is flying down here in Raleigh. It's almost time for me to be back home in East Hartford for a little vacation. I never thought I'd say I'm going to East Hartford, CT for a vacation haha. 


Like every year around this time, I stop and think about all of the things that I am thankful for - like my supportive family who has never done anything but encourage me to follow my dreams and give life my all; or my wonderful friends who are always there to listen, to laugh, and to share great moments with; or the fact that I grew up in a home where we did not have to struggle to pay the bills; or even the simple things like having a place to lay my head at night, food on the table for every meal, and a warm jacket to save me from the intruding cold. I am blessed to be able to live comfortably - mentally, physically, socially, and financially. With each client I meet, I recall how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to go to a prestigious four-year university and rarely have to worry about where the money was coming from. I am so blessed to have been able to live in Italy for 4 months. The list goes on and on. What I've realized though, is that many of the things that I am thankful for are those things which my clients do not have, things that the marginalized in our society do not have. I am thankful for things that separate me from the poor, as though I am saying, "Thank you, God, for not making me poor." In the past three months, now that I have come to recognize my privilege, I have been able to face humanity head on. Rather than only discussing the previous things listed above as the things I'm thankful for, I can truthfully say I am thankful for the things that connect me to the poor, most of which I have learned from the poor and those who have dedicated their lives to working with and for them. 


Compassion is defined as "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." I never really understood what compassion is or why it is important to the fight for social justice. I have often felt deep compassion - when tutoring children who have grown up in poverty, when working with children who are infected with HIV, or when hearing the stories of all of the wonderful people I had the chance to work with in Nashville. However, it was not until meeting many of my colleagues and getting to know them that I have come to see how essential compassion is to our work. Ms. Carolyn, our Director of Faith Ministries is a prime example of this. She's been AAS-C longer than anyone, which intimidated me a little at first. But once I realized that she would be one of my biggest allies and one of the people I admire most at work, our relationship has really blossomed. One day, Ms. Carolyn got a phone call from one of her interns saying that he'd just left one of residential units where he'd gone to see a client. The other house members told him that the client was "gone," which he came to interpret as the client had passed on (in actuality...he had moved to another state). Ms. Carolyn cried and cried when she heard the initial news. It was the first time I'd ever seen her as vulnerable. She loves her clients and she lives to fight against injustice. She is such a selfless woman. She gives all of herself to our clients, not just because she feels called by God to serve others, but because she truly feels sorrow when she looks in the faces of those most impacted by social injustice. And she wants to do everything she can to see that suffering alleviated in some way. She is easily the most compassionate woman I have ever met...and I am truly thankful and blessed to know her and admire her. She has taught me what it really means to dedicate oneself to this fight.


Love has so many definitions and with each passing day I find a new way to look at love. Clients often tell me that they love me, out of gratitude. And I know that I always tell others that I love them. It is fascinating to me, though, what love means to the marginalized of society. I have come to notice that my view of love differs drastically from theirs. Patricia came in last Monday to pick up the turkey and large box of food I had called to offer her. She was the most gracious of my clients, stunned when I called her the Friday before to offer the food to her and her two young daughters. Patricia and I have a very interesting relationship. I did her intake in September, not long after she moved here with her two young daughters from Massachusetts in order to escape her husband. She has been struggling to feel like she's found home. Each time she comes in the food pantry, she always has new stories to tell about her daughters - to the point where I feel like I've met them - and always confides in me about her struggles. After we loaded all of the food into the car, she gave me a big hug to say thank you and kept telling me how this was such a blessing to her and her family. Then she grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and told me, "I feel like I've finally found my family here. Thank you." Tears came to my eyes, and continue to come to my eyes each time I recount this story, because, in that moment, I recognized what it means to love truly and unconditionally. Patricia loves me like I am family, though we've known each other for only three months and have probably only seen each other 7 or 8 times. Love is more that passion, more than caring. It is the most powerful feeling in the world, and my clients have taught me that it is not a word that is just tossed around freely. Love is true, unconditional, nonjudgmental.


Faith, as defined by Reba, is belief in something more than what you know. Not a day goes by where I do not have doubts about God's role in this world. I see my clients struggle to keep their apartments, feed their families, and maintain a steady job. It is hard to believe that God created misery in this world, but it is also hard to believe He is not doing anything to end the suffering. My faith is brought into question everyday. yet, I meet with clients and hear them talk about their own spirituality and how it is so important to them, how they believe to strongly in Jesus and in God's work in the world. It is amazing to see people who struggle each day constantly saying that this is not what God wants nor what he intends. So many clients are preachers or avid church-goers. It baffles my mind how strong their faiths are, yet pushes me to redefine my own. I am truly grateful for such inspiration and belief.


This Thanksgiving, as much as I missed being with my family and having the chance to remind them how thankful I am for them, I have come to realize that as much as I am thankful that I grew up the way I did, I am even more grateful to have one-on-one contact with the poor and marginalized (and to have had the contact throughout my life). Each moment proves to me that God is good and has blessed us with hands to reach out with, eyes to see reality through, ears to hear the cries of the voiceless, and a heart with which we can love - truly and unconditionally. It is the stuff that ties us all together that I am most thankful for this year because these are the things that help us fight for justice and peace.


Compassion. Love. Faith.

The Path of Love

Being in Washington, DC this past weekend for the Ignatian Family Teach-In game me a lot to reflect on. What is social justice? What are human rights? Why is it that the United States, the supposed "greatest, most powerful nation in the world," seems to constantly work against social justice and the guarantee of human right to all people?I struggle with this question every day at work, in my reading, and in my thoughts. The Teach-In was a mix of emotions and the broadness of topics discussed seemed, too me, to take away from the general theme of "Remembering our Salvadoran Martyrs." The Salvadoran Jesuit martyrs, along with Archbishop Oscar Romero died fighting for social justice. They were murdered for striving to help their fellow Salvadorans understand the national reality. At first glance, I always think what is the point of working for justice, equality, and human rights when so many others strongly oppose those things which may take away from their own power and wealth or may create a change in the status quo. At first glance, I see the murders of our Salvadoran martyrs and people like Martin Luther King Jr. as a sign that wrong will always prevail; that greed always wins; that justice will never be gained, no matter how hard it is fought for.

Central America is made up of developing nations, as are Africa, the Middle East, and the South Pacific. It is a hotbed of oppression and of human rights abuses. Countries like Nicaragua and El Salvador struggled through civil wars throughout the 1980s, wars that resulted in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent poor civilians. During this time, Americans were scared of communism but also feared another military conflict like the war in Vietnam. While the Salvadoran government was committing human rights atrocities through massacres, disappearances, and tortures, the USA was funding their military. How can so many people be blinded by the fact that funding the military meant funding the death squads and funding sever violations of human rights. The United States was so fearful of communism that they did not stop to consider that revolution is not the same as communism or that sending military aid to a country in ruin will actually fight communism. Evil prevails. Fear wins. Greed and power come out on top. Rather than striving to create a just and peaceful world, the United States sent the message that the abuse of human rights is ok and oppression is ok, so long as communism does not take over, so long as the people's voices are not heard.

Developing nations are much different than developed nations like the US, England, China, Japan, Italy, Spain, etc. The problems and issues present in developing countries, it would seem, do not exist in the great powerful countries of the world because these countries are established, civilized, and work each day to prove that democracy truly means the people have a say in how the country is run. After really thinking about this, though, it is so easy to see that this is a load of garbage; it isn't true at all. Problems of developing nations are problems everywhere - poverty, socioeconomic discrimination and exploitation, human rights violations. They can be seen every day in the United States no matter which state or region of the country you are in. We are one of the wealthiest countries in the world, yet many of our people live in poverty, and often time, there is no way out of that poverty. THose who are born into a family living in poverty will continue to live in poverty because they will be subjected to poor education and schools that have no money for resources. Without education, they will not get well-paying jobs. Race plays a role, too. Blacks are more likely to live in poverty, to be incarcerated, to become infected with HIV. Racial discrimination is a structure in our society, as are poverty and homelessness. They will never go away because they are ingrained in the history of this country. The poor will continue to be poor unless our society is turned upside down and serious changes are made. Because in the US - greed and power win and evil prevails.

Farm workers, the ones who work tirelessly to put food on our tables often times do not have the food to feed themselves or their families. They typically live in shacks, lucky if they have running water. They are treated so badly, yet they are the ones who provide for us all. And what about immigrants? Our country is a country of immigrants. It would not exist if people never moved here from all over the world. Yet, our country works against immigration; it treats immigrants like they are scum and do not deserve a chance to change their lives. We give them no rights and do not give them a chance to work towards citizenship. It is as though this country's history means nothing; like the US's foundation is meaningless. People forget that "All men were created equal" and that our founding fathers guaranteed the unalienable rights of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Those rights, instead, are completely alienable because society encourages selfishness, greed, and the desire of power. This leads to poverty and violations of human rights because people have a tendency to do whatever will get them ahead, rather than what is best for the common good. It is as though justice will never be a reality.

While in DC, walking around the monuments, reading quotes from presidents past, I was slowly reminded of those who have fought for social justice throughout time. Abraham Lincoln fought so that the slaves could be freed. FDR fought to bring an end to poverty. MLK Jr. fought for racial equality. Oscar Romero, Ignacio Ellacuria, and the other Jesuit martyrs in El Salvador fought for social justice through educating other and fighting for and with the poor. With the murders of all but FDR, it is very easy to believe that evil will always win, that social justice is an impossible goal. But it also brings about hope and faith in a better tomorrow. None of these men gave up, regardless of the consequences. They walked the path that Jesus walked. They fought for their beliefs and fought with their lives reminding themselves that God will not let evil win but wants us to find the way to peace and justice. Humankind created the mess that is this world; humankind has to find the way out of it. Social justice and peace can be attained. Evil will not always prevail. The lives of the martyrs have shown us that.

"In these days of difficulty, we Americans everywhere must and shall choose the path of social justice, the path of faith, the path of hope, and that path of love toward our fellow man." - FDR

How else are we going to pull this world out of the mess that we have created?

Releasing the Stereotypes that Live Within Us

At the age of 22, sometimes I feel like I have seen it all. Then a new situation hits me, and I realize how naive I really am, how much I have left to experience in my life, and how little I truly know. During our new staff and new volunteer training on Friday night, my naivety and ignorance shown brightly. This is that story.

Paster B, a Methodist pastor who has deep ties to AAS-C and sits on our Board of Directors, wrapped up Friday night's training with a "Diversity" session. Now, I have sat through many talks and lectures about diversity, and never once have I walked out of it appreciating diversity more or questioning my beliefs. Pastor B, however, pushed me to think more deeply about the stereotypes I have, the prejudices that immediately come to mind, and how, often times, those judgments are quickly changed once I actually meet and get to know a person. After Pastor B talked to us a little bit about what diversity means and what a stereotype is, he gave us an activity to complete called "Releasing the Stereotypes that Live Within Us." The instructions were simple: Pastor B would name a group of people and we would have to pick five words that describe the way we believe that group to be upon first encounter. For example, one of the groups he gave us was "Corporate Bank Executive," to which I responded, "arrogant, guilty, oppressive, untrustworthy, and rich." The groups we worked with were HIV+ Infants; African-American Homeless Man; Corporate Bank Executive; Muslim; Transgender Female to Male; Prostitute; Drug Addict; and Evangelical Christian. 

I struggled quite a bit through this activity, having to continuously remind myself that I wasn't supposed to choose the adjectives that I wish I felt, but rather the ones that first came to mind. So rather than choosing "oppressed, underprivileged, and mysterious" for African-American Homeless Man, I put "inferior, powerless, dirty, pushy, and emotional." After we completed the list of groups and adjectives, Pastor B asked us if anything surprised us or even made us question our own beliefs. The first thing I realized was that I put "offensive" for Drug Addict. I'd say somewhere around half of all of my clients are recovering drug addicts, and I do not find my clients to be offensive. However, the first word I thought of was "offensive." We then sat in pairs to discuss how our stereotypes stem from our personal beliefs about ourselves; how we put ourselves up on a pedestal; that we are all high and mighty; that we are "right." 

When I think about my clients and how my stereotypes and judgments have the possibility to affect their accessibility to services that can help save their lives, I realize how much I need to constantly challenge myself to push the stereotypes to the back burner. On Friday morning, I had an intake appointment with a woman in her early 40s. As we talked, I found out that she had just been released from prison less than a month ago. She had served about 5 1/2 years. I cannot sit here and tell you that this fact had no impact on me. I'm not going to lie - at first, I was really scared. Had she hurt someone? Had she stolen something? Am I in danger right now? These were my initial judgments. I didn't give her the chance to explain her past to me, or how she thought she was in a monogamous relationship before she went to prison, yet ended up being HIV+. Or how her children no longer speak to her. Or how hard life has been for her. I just immediately thought the worst because she had been in prison for 5 1/2 years. It was not until the appointment was almost over that I learned she had been charged with embezzlement and finally let my guard down. Looking back now, I know that I acted differently towards her. That is not fair. 

Relationships are the thing that I hold closest to my heart. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for people who have helped shape my life. I would not be in JVC if it weren't for relationships; if it weren't for the compassion that has developed within me; if it weren't for the love that I feel towards people; if it weren't for my faith. Pastor B's final words Friday night were: 

"Remember, all persons deserve to be included in the human tapestry of life. It's up to each of us to help one another find out place in the tapestry; to find our thread that helps weave the entire tapestry together."

We are called to embrace others, to learn from others, to appreciate others. People are more than their external appearance. Each person has a story, a story that can rock you to the core. It is important that we as people strive hard to work towards understanding others in the context of their own story - their history and experiences - not in the context of our own. Because once we try to understand someone through the context of what we along have experienced and what we alone believe, we will never work towards understanding; we will never develop a just and peaceful world. 

Think about it.

God Moments

Working for social justice really pushes one to reflect on where he or she sees God in their daily activities and interactions.  I have always wondered what it means to “see God.” Was it the time when one of my clients walked in and shared how important his relationship with God is to his survival and understanding about his current situation? Or what about that time that a client looked me in the eye and said, “I love you, Ms. Brittney. Thank you.”? I push myself each day to reflect on those “God moments,” but I often struggle to really identify them, as though I have closed myself off to experiencing God.

I remember that moment that Jamez walked into the office with his mom and dad. His little four year old body hid behind his mom as I walked up to ask him if he wanted a snack. He very quietly said yes, and that is where our friendship began. For the next two hours while his mom and dad were in appointments, Jamez followed me around the office, holding my hand. I gave him popsicles to enjoy, and he helped me to restock the pantry with items that were donated by a generous faith community that morning. Even though he started off very shy and seemingly frightened of me, after fifteen minutes or so, it was as though we had known each other for a long time and were old friends.  At lunch time, I remembered the mac ‘n’ cheese leftovers I had brought with me for lunch. Jamez had told me how much he loves macaroni and cheese, so I told him he could have some of my lunch. We worked together to get plates and forks, and even to microwave the food. When we sat down to eat, I told Jamez, “Ok. Let’s eat.” He looked at me, confused, and stuck out his hands. His beautiful four-year old eyes looked up at me and said, “Wait. We have to say grace first.” He grabbed my hands, and I listened as he prayed, “Thank you, God, for this food. Amen.”

I find it challenging to see God in each day when I work with people who suffer so much, from poverty and from HIV infection. To see a four-year old walk into the office and know that, in his short life, he has seen more and struggled more than I have in my twenty-two years, really makes me question my faith. Why would God allow people to suffer? Why would God allow such injustice? When a little boy looks at you and tells you to say grace, though, your perspective changes. After feeling like I have closed myself off to experiencing God for so long, Jamez changed me. He showed me what it is to experience God and have those God moments.

Strength. Confidence. Expression. Growth.

"In true community we will not choose our companions, for our choices are so often limited by self-serving moments. Our companions will be given to us by grace. Often they will be persons who will upset our settled view of self and world." - Parker J. Palmer

As we all know, my life revolves around my relationships with other people. Connections are what have shaped my life. Working with others and learning from others is the foundation of who I am. With each passing day, I feel like the intentional community I am a part of in my house, my community with my co-workers, and my community with my clients grows stronger. I am finding my way more easily in each of these communities, and I have developed a much more defined sense of belonging amongst the people with whom I interact everyday. In two short months, I have learned more about myself, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my faith because I have been challenged to do so by living among new friends and working among new colleagues. 

Life at work is beginning to feel much more natural. I no longer feel like I'm walking on eggshells as I try to figure out which things annoy which people or as I learn about the experiences of individual co-workers. I feel bonds forming as I become more and more comfortable amongst my colleagues. Take Ms. Jeanette for example. She is the kind of woman who jumps head first into any new relationship with a person, and that is exactly how she jumped into ours. I have felt a very strong connection with her since day one. She's like a mom, an aunt, and a grandma all at the same time. She confides in me, she lets me ask for help even when she's in the middle of something, and she speaks her mind. She inspires me each day with her unbelievable compassion and her ability to connect with clients through mutual respect and understanding. She inspires me to push harder, to give life my all, and to always thank God for what I have been blessed with. Then there's Charla, our Prevention for Positives counselor. She is 24 and absolutely awesome. We have deep conversations about going back to school and our hopes for the future. She reminds to me to push for what I believe in and to never give up on my dreams. And there's also Ms. Carolyn, our director of Faith Ministries. She is one of the most brilliant women I have ever met. She is so dedicated to her work and would give up everything for those she fights for each day. Someday I hope to be like her. It is finally starting to feel like I belong, like I am a vital part of the community that we refer to as our office family. After two months, it no longer feels like I am only here for a little while, but that I will be here for a year. It is wonderful to feel like a new home is being built brick by brick.

The pantry is starting to become more than just a place where my clients come to get the food they may not be able to afford. It is becoming a place for conversation, a place for getting to know one another, a place for learning new things about each other. Like when Mr. James came in so excited to tell me about the job he got at the State Fair that's keeping him busy. Or when Weaver told me about the beautiful love between his mother and father that he got to see each day of his life until a couple of years ago. Or when Patricia was excited to tell me that her two young daughters are doing so well in school, and that she is finally back on the medications that she needs to fight HIV in her body. The pantry is becoming a place for bonds to form, a function that I never thought possible for such a little space full of food could have. On Wednesday afternoon, before the pantry opened, I had the opportunity to sit down with some clients and watch a movie. Throughout the film, I felt so connected to each one of them. We laughed together, yelled at the characters together, and even fell in love with the story together. I felt like I was in unity with them, a truly blessed feeling. I am so grateful to be learning from each client, and to know that many of them respect me, trust me, and will confide in me if they need to. Like Rudy, for instance. He told me all about life after his wife left him a few months ago, expressing how hard it has been living on an income of one person instead of two joint incomes. He told me how he barely has money to buy food and how thankful he is that I am there to help him. My clients challenge me everyday; they push me to look at the world through different eyes, with a new perspective. I am blessed to have them and to be experiencing life with them.

And then there's the wonderful community that I come home to after work each day; the girls that offer support when I need it and their ears to listen as I share about my day. We had the chance this weekend to connect with each other on a different level through conversation. We sat down to discuss our joys, challenges, and hopes for each individual relationship in the community. At first, I was nervous not only to share my own thoughts but also to hear what everyone else had to say. The nerves, though, disappeared as soon as I sat down with Kate for the very first conversation. I have never found it so easy to share my thoughts and feelings with people whom I've only known for a short while. Nor have I ever realized how important it is to maintain healthy individual relationships in order for the community to prosper. It is really beautiful to watch us build our community together, as we challenge each other and support each other each day.

The quote that started this post could not be more true to my life right now. Even though I did not have the opportunity to choose my companions - those I live with, work with, and work for - I am truly blessed to know each one of them. Each person, whether a roommate or a client, pushes me to think more deeply and more fully. They shake my belief system, forcing me to examine it more closely. They most certainly have "upset my settled view of self and world." This is the beauty of my life right now; the true beauty of being forced to look within myself and to reexamine who I am and whom I wish to become.

1 in 22

This week has been very up and down. When it was hard, it was really difficult and challenging, but when it was great, it was truly wonderful. I am really beginning to feel at home at AAS-C. My colleagues are such wonderful people and we've had the opportunity to connect as challenges have presented themselves in the work place. At my office, there are eight of us who work for AAS-C and eight who work for Wake County Human Services. On Friday, our Client Services quarterly report was due. Now, I remember those days at OSLCD when you couldn't talk to anyone in the office because the quarterly report was due. I remember how my favorite ladies could be found slaving over their computers for hours trying to meet their deadlines. So when I found out we had to write a quarterly report, oh man did I have an idea what was coming. Luckily, my part was easy, but putting all of our numbers and ideas together was pretty difficult and hectic. Not to mention - this is the very first quarterly report the department has ever had to write and we just found out about it about one week before it was due. It was really amazing to watch us all come together to help Ms. Jeanette get it done. I helped her crunch the numbers while Charla helped her type up the positives and negatives of the quarter. Even though we stayed at work one night until 7pm, it felt so nice to know that we all have each other's backs especially when it is most needed.

After our staff meeting on Wednesday, I got a phone call at work from Javier who works in the Prevention department specifically with Latinos. Friday was National Latino AIDS Awareness day and his prevention team was holding a free testing event in Durham out of a mobile health van. He knew how energetic I was and asked if I wanted to join them to do outreach and get people to come and get tested. I jumped at the opportunity and got the appropriate approval at the office. We all know how much I love events like this. As the prevention team from El Centro Hispano, who Javier collaborates with on these kinds of projects, pulled up and began talking to each other, I realized I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I cannot speak Spanish. When I do think I can speak Spanish, I suddenly start speaking Italian again. For example, there was a little boy with one of the staff members and I asked him "Come ti chiami?" He just stared at me. It took me at least 45 seconds before I realized that I had asked him what his name was in ITALIAN. Needless to say, it was an interesting evening as I went with the outreach team door to door in the apartment complexes in the area. Luckily, not everyone in the community spoke Spanish, so I had my chance to convince people to come get tested, too. While I was flagging down cars, I saw two young African-American girls walking down the street so I ran over to talk to them. They are probably about 19 years old. Both were really excited about getting tested and even brought a friend when they came back. It felt good to know that I helped in some way, especially when the latest statistic says 1 in 22 African-Americans will become infected with HIV at some point in their lives. 1 in 22. That number terrifies me, so I'm glad that I got a couple of young ladies to get tested, even if they had been tested before. I had so much fun that evening, running around screaming "Free Condoms. Free HIV Tests." I was in my element, aside from the whole Spanish speaking thing.

The North Carolina State Fair is apparently a big deal, so a few of us decided we couldn't miss out on it. Now, none of us have ever been to a state fair. County fairs, yes. The Big E, yes. Church fairs, yes. But a state fair, especially in a big state like North Carolina - we had no idea what to expect and boy were we shocked and amazed. When we arrived on Saturday evening around 4:30pm, there were huge lines to buy tickets just to get in. The traffic just to get near the fairgrounds was insane! Upon entering the giant place, I was immediately overwhelmed by how many people there were. To put it simply, there were probably more than 30,000 people. The fairgrounds are at least 5x bigger than the Big E, for those of you from New England. There are two separate sections of rides and games and food vendors everywhere! I think I got run over by a stroller maybe 4 times and walked into people on numerous occasions. At one point, I saw a 5 year old boy wandering around and I said, to no one in particular, "Who's kid is this?" Luckily his dad was standing right next to me. Two hours at the fair was more than enough. In the big expo center, they were having a cow show...like a dog show, except with huge cows. I never thought that cows could be truly domesticated and yesterday I realized that they can't be. The cows did not want to follow the lead of their showers. It was kind of entertaining especially because the showers were all like 12 and under trying to guide these huge cows. We also got to see North Carolina's largest pumpkin - weighing more than 800 pounds. Now that was cool. And of course what fair would be complete without a Sham-Wow presentation. As always, I wanted to buy those Sham-Wows more than anything at the fair. But instead, I settled for some fried dough. It was quite an experience at the good ole North Carolina State Fair. I'm pretty sure words do it no justice.

While I'm finding my place here in Raleigh, I'm finding time to explore the culture, and let me tell you - between the testing event on Friday and the state fair yesterday, North Carolina is not quite what I expected it to be.

True Joy

My apologies for missing a week here, but things have been much busier than usual. Even the past two weekends have left very little room for free time. I am not complaining about this, as I have loved every minute of everything I've done on the weekends. Each activity, each person we've met with, each hour spent at work, has been enriching and has opened my eyes to something new - whether it be an issue I've never thought about, a person's point of view that I'd never considered, or a faith that I'd never explored. I hope that through this post, I am able to make you think a little deeper, intrigue you with a new thought, and maybe even cause you to look more closely at your everyday activities and interactions.

With each day, I am learning what makes me smile, what makes my heart beat a little faster, and what makes me want to get up in the morning. I am finding out, though slowly, what it is that I am truly in love with, what my deepest passion really is. In a couple of weeks, a group of about 15 high school students is coming to volunteer at Under One Roof for the day, probably helping to reorganize the pantry and the clothes closet, as well as decorating the client room. As part of their community volunteer day program, a representative from the agency with which they will be volunteering goes in to the class to talk to them about what the agency does and why. Because this particular group will be working directly with me, I had the chance to talk to the students for an hour. Their teacher told me he was completely flexible on what I talked to them about so I split it up a bit, talking about the basic facts about HIV/AIDS, what we do at AAS-C, and why are services are important not only to our clients but also in order to help bring an end to the epidemic. I went into the talk feeling pretty nervous, even though most of what I had to say I know so well and have talked to so many others about. But I kept remembering that I have never really talked to high school students - mostly just college friends and older. I was pretty surprised with how things went. The students were very responsive, trying to answer questions and show what they know. They also had great questions to ask and weren't embarrassed to say things like "vaginal sex" or "semen." While I was explaining the services that we offer to clients as AAS-C, I could tell that they did not fully understand why we provide our clients with services that are not strictly medical. They were struggling to grasp why it is necessary to assist our clients financially with housing, food, transportation, etc. These students helped me to realize that prevention education is not only about teach others how to protect themselves. It is also about reducing stigma and helping others to understand that HIV is about much more than just the medical side of things. Talking to these students really brought out the best in me and helped to amplify my passion even more.

My favorite moment of the week came on Wednesday. For the past three weeks or so, my friendships with my volunteers have developed into something special. I check in with them once a week (aside from when they come in on Wednesdays) and I feel for them when things don't go according to plan. They are wonderful gentlemen who look out for me in return, making sure no clients take advantage of me or even just spending time educating me about the south - something I think they've taken on as a hobby. The past couple of weeks have been difficult for Gary and Dwayne for a number of reasons, many of which they haven't shared with me. I have known that something isn't right and rather than probing to find out what is going on, I call them on Tuesdays to let them know I'm thinking about them and that I hope I'll see them the following day. This Wednesday, before they left the office for the day, Dwayne told me how much they truly appreciate me calling them because it lets know that I care, that they are needed, and that they are appreciated. Both he and Gary gave me big hugs and then said three little worlds that melted my heart: We love you. Tears came to my eyes, and each time I recount this story, those tears return. It became so clear to me in that moment that not only do I mean something to them and do they care about me, but I know that I am making a difference in their lives somehow. In such a short time, I have been touched so strongly by these two wonderful men. The craziest thing is, I still have so much to learn from both of them.

Works of HeART, our agency's major fundraiser, took place this weekend. It is a weekend of art with both silent and live auctions. All of the AAS-C staff had to help set up on Friday during the day to get everything ready, including the art hung up on standing panels and numbered correctly. Somehow, I had a lot of fun doing this. I had the chance to spend time with staff members at our other offices who I either haven't met or have only spent a little bit of time with. I also got to check out some cool art and realize a bit more fully that I have very little appreciation for art. (I thought a painting about the Serengetti was three meatballs on forks.) On Saturday night, I got to get all dressed up in my semi-formal attire and go to the auction. I wasn't sure if I'd be put to work when I got there, and as I was getting ready to leave, Camille said, "Just the girl I was looking for. Mike and Mark are waiting for you in the auditorium." As I walked into the auditorium where the live auction would be held sometime later, I was told that I would be a spotter for the evening. For those of you who have never been to an auction, especially an auction that is a fundraiser, the spotters are not only responsible for making sure the correct bidder number is written down for each piece. We practically have to harass the bidders so as to encourage them to bid more often times by reminding them about the cause and how much their money will help the agency and our clients. Now, just imagine me in my pretty dress running up and down the aisles clapping obnoxiously and yelling "Come on!! One more time!!" So. much. fun!!! I was totally in my element. haha

And then there was today. Ms. Carolyn (our Director of Faith Ministries at AAS-C) and I met at Christian Faith Baptist Church to set up a table at their health fair and to collect food from the food drive they had for our pantry. Carolyn asked me to join her for worship before the health fair, so I attended my very first Baptist service. I knew that it would be unlike any Catholic mass I'd ever been to, and I was very excited to see something different. I could write about this for many pages, so I'll just hit you with the most striking observation. Joy is an interesting thing; it is more than happiness; it is fulfilling. Throughout the two-hour service, I saw pure joy in each of the individuals gathered at the church. I saw it in the music, as everyone swayed side to side singing their hearts out with such energy and passion. I saw it during the greeting when individuals actually walked around the entire church to say good morning to friends, family, and strangers. It was joy like I'd never seen before. The joy became even stronger throughout the service when people felt moved by the Spirit of simply by the word. It became so clear to me that the joy that I saw today came from many people who struggle daily. To know that one can suffer and still show such joy in proclaiming Jesus as their savior really touches my soul and encourages me to look more closely at my own faith, how I approach my spirituality and my relationship with God, and my approach to mass on Sundays. Joy is a beautiful thing. I feel joy when I play soccer. I am filled with joy when I know I have made a difference. Never, though, have I thought about how my spirituality and faith bring me joy. I am looking forward to attending many more worship services of other denominations and faiths because I believe that each has something to teach me about myself and my spirituality.

These experiences this week have really pushed me to remember that throughout my life, I must push myself to learn so that I can seek to understand. I know that there is much that I do  not know and I only hope that experiences like these will show me not only who I am and what makes me happy, but also how I can shape my life through experiences.

Watching Issues Take on New Faces

Another week full of learning and growth. I felt myself challenged to question my own pre-conceived notions, beliefs, and even my focus. From a powerful NY Times Columnist speaking about global women's issues to a day of PRIDE and gay rights, I found that I was hungry to learn more, hungry to understand how our world has come to be the way it is, hungry to give of myself to others. 

Nicholas Kristof, a NY Times Op-Ed Columnist and co-author of the book Half the Sky, spoke on Monday night at Meredith College here in Raleigh, where Ann is Dean of Students. She invited us to go listen to him speak. To be honest, I had no idea who Nicholas Kristof was before that night. Yet, after listening to him speak about women's oppression and struggles throughout the world, I found myself needing to read more of his writings. Kristof is an incredibly powerful writer and speaker, as he has seen so much in this world and experienced many things. Many of his words left me questioning. One thing that really struck me was when Kristof made the point the we are lucky to be Americans and that luck comes with responsibility. We have a responsibility to look not only within our borders, but also to look outside our borders to learn about social injustices and violations of human rights. We have a responsibility to learn about these issues and to share what we've learned with others. We have a responsibility to react and to work for justice and equality, for a world where everyone is granted their truly unalienable rights.

HIV/AIDS took on a new face for me on Monday night, as well. For the past two years I have said that even though AIDS is a serious issue throughout this world, especially in developing nations, it is also an issue right here in the U.S. and that is where I would focus my energies. I even remember once saying that our government needs to stop talking about AIDS in Africa and start focusing on AIDS in America - that the money needs to be kept here. Looking back now, I realize my ignorance. I do truly believe that if we can find an efficient and effective way to stop the spread of HIV here, we can find ways to adapt that method in a way that would be effective in developing nations. At one point in his talk, Kristof mentioned that in Cambodia, many girls are sold to brothels at an early age by family members, neighbors, and sometimes kidnappers. Often times, the money is used to support the growth of sons, growth that comes at the cost of selling a daughter into slavery. The statistic that hit me hardest during discussion on this topic was that young Cambodian girls sold to brothels have a 70% chance of becoming infected with HIV in the first 6 months that they are in the brothel. Not only have these girls been sold, their lives have literally been sold - sold to a tragic and often fatal virus. These girls have no say in whether or not they become infected, as their "well-being" depends on whether or not they have sex with customers. If they do not, they can be beaten and even killed. It is literally a life or death situation in those brothels - and most likely these girls will die from complications from being sex slaves. In the United States today, most people who become infected with HIV (I repeat...most) have a choice in protecting themselves from the virus. Yet, these Cambodian girls have no say in whether or not they are exposed to it. How can these girls be saved? How can their infection be prevented when it is so hard to prevent infection in the U.S., where education is much more readily accessible and resources are more easily produced?

As I spent my time this week reflecting on all I had come to question based on Kristof's talk and his writings, I met with Mr. James for a financial appointment at work. Mr. James is a wonderful old man. He is always smiling and cheerful when I see him at the pantry. Even during our appointment, when he was expressing how stressed he was because he could not pay his electric bill this month, he smiled and laughed. By the end of our appointment, we had talked very little about finances and much about important people in our lives whom we had lost. As I talked about my grandfather and my Uncle Sam, Mr. James told me about his mother. We talked about how important it is to reflect on your love for others and that we need to recognize how others shape and impact our lives. I felt a great connection to Mr. James, but I noticed that I felt this need to prove myself to him - to let him know that I, too, had been through hardships. It was during our time together that I realized how much I am struggling to accept the fact that I come from privilege, as I am constantly trying to prove to my client's that I am not some ignorant little white girl. And though I do not believe I am ignorant, it is not fair to my clients for me to believe that I know what they are going through, that I have any idea how hard some days can be for them as they live in poverty and with a virus running through their body that could, if not treated properly, lead to death. I do not have first hand experience living in poverty, struggling from month to month. I have never lived with HIV or any other chronic/terminal illness that needs to be cared for each and every day. I do not come from the world that most of my clients come from. I don't have to create a false image of myself to make clients believe that I know what they mean, that I know what they are going through, because, in reality, I have no idea. I can prove myself to them by caring about them, by helping them, by listening to them, by showing my compassion. I'm glad I'm noticing this now so that I can live a little differently each day.

Friday and Saturday were such fun, even though they were both spent primarily at work. On Friday, Under One Roof (where I work) had our Grand Re-Opening. The agency moved to the current location a few months ago and things just slowed down enough to celebrate! It was mostly an open house for our clients, staff at our other offices, and donors. We had stations set up that told everyone about the services we offer. We had speakers, free food, and door prizes. One of our clients, Randie, is a great singer and entertainer and performed for us that afternoon. This was the most moving part of the day for me. As Randie performed is songs - one called "Your Destiny is Calling" and also Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" which he dedicated to our staff - everyone was dancing and clapping, truly enjoying themselves. For those 20 minutes, everyone had a chance to step away from the stress of every day life living with HIV. They all came together in a beautiful brother-and-sisterhood of compassion. In those moments, I really felt like client services was where my heart lies, in making a clear difference in the lives of individuals each day.

But, my heart is in conflict, as I fell in love with prevention all over again on Saturday at North Carolina PRIDE Day. It was my first gay PRIDE day ever, and man was it an experience! The AAS-C prevention team is so energetic and exciting. They live to save lives. Most of the morning, my colleague Charla and I went around on foot and on a golf cart creaming out "Free HIV and syphilis testing at the Alliance booth!!" I had so much fun doing that. As I saw all of the people come up to the table - young and old; black and white; gay, lesbian, and straight; those living with HIV and those unaware of its dangers - I felt my heart actually skip beats. To know that I was making a difference in the world by working to stop the spread of this virus is what makes me wake up in the morning. But working with my clients also does that. I find myself in a conflict as I work to figure out what I am called to do in this life.

NC PRIDE Day was such a great time. I got to ride on the AAS-C float in the parade, a really exciting experience. I loved being able to see the love and appreciation throughout the crowd. There was definitely a strong sense of pride throughout. Of course, there were protesters on one corner of the parade route, holding up signs with Bible scriptures on them. When we rode by, JohnPaul, our executive director, said, "God loves you, too," and we all waved with great pride. Right in front of the protesters were supporters with their own signs. I was so struck by the feeling of community that spread across this large group of people - people who didn't even know each other. I saw great happiness as people were able to stand up and say, "This is who we are. Thank you for accepting us." It was beautiful.

Each day I am faced with new challenges and new questions. Even though these may not be easy to answer, I find that I am able to look at the lives of others to find evidence that points me in the right direction. This experience is truly an amazing thing, and I am so thankful to be a Jesuit Volunteer.

You Sizzle...

Just to clear everyone's worries now that Football season has officially started - don't worry. I have found a great sports bar where I can watch my Jets and my roommates enjoy coming with me to watch the games - mostly so they can laugh at how I act while watching. So please, have no fear, Brittney is back in full gear this NFL season. I've got the Carolina Panthers on right now here at our house, on FOX - the only channel we get on out TV.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, and I sense that most of my experience will be that way. I had great highs immediately followed by hard lows at work. A little more on that:

Each day this week, I felt reaffirmed at work by my colleagues, by my clients, and by my wonderful group of volunteers. The week began with Noshima, a colleague, telling me I came into the office like a quiet storm - that my energy exploded so quickly and that it is so refreshing to have a JV who is open to learning and getting to know the staff. Later in the week, another colleauge, Charla, who is closer in age to me than anyone in the office, gave me my first "You Sizzle" card. "You Sizzle" cards go up on a special bulletin board in the office and are given to people to say great job or way to go! The one Charla gave me said, "To Brittney: For doing a great job as the new JV." Both of these comments meant a lot to me because I feel such acceptance in the work place, which makes work a little bit easier. I feel like I can talk to my colleagues about life, can laugh with them or sulk with them when necessary. I feel truly comfortable, and that is a great feeling.

On Wednesdays, my group of three volunteers, all of whom are clients, come in and help me restock and organize the pantry. They are fantastic guys whose company I truly enjoy. They joke around with me, but talk to me like they've known me forever. Jabbar bought me a sandwich at Burger King one day, which meant the world to me. Dwayne told me one day that it was crazy how they felt so close to me so quickly, whereas it usually takes a month or so for them even to feel comfortable around the new JV. Gary made me a really nice card that said, "Welcome to the Roof. We're so glad you're here." It means so much more to me coming from the clients because it shows not only that they appreciate me, but also that they accept me. This was most seen with a client, Joseph, who I have given a hard time since the day I met him. He likes to try and see if you'll give in to his requests - for example one day he had an appointment and went "shopping" at the pantry right afterwards. He spent the next couple of hours hanging out at the office waiting for the bus, and while he waited, our fresh produce was dropped off. Joseph loves bananas and begged me to give him some, even though he had already shopped. I told him no, that he could have waited to shop, etc. etc. - establishing my place as the person who runs the pantry. He joked around like he was mad, but I knew he was just kidding. On Wednesday, we had an Arts and Crafts session with a woman who does card making with rubber stamps. Joseph told me that my name should be Brattney, not Brittney, and that there was no way he would make me a card. About an hour later, he came up to me with a card he made - on the front it said "Welcome! Thank You!" and inside he signed his name. That's when I knew that the clients truly accept me and feel comfortable with me.

Now remember, I said that those great highs were immediately followed by hard lows. Monthly billing is due at the end of the day this Monday, so most of the week was spent finishing up paperwork that was not finished when it should have been. I was becoming very frustrated because I was doing other people's work, work that should have been done weeks ago. I found myself having to "be creative" as Miss Jeanette says in order to show why clients need financial assistance. It was hard for me, though, to sign my name on something I was not proud of or something that I thought maybe wasn't right. I spent all day Thursday and most of the day Friday fuming that I had to do work that was not my own - paperwork for appointments I hadn't even been a part of, that I knew nothing about. The most frustrating part was that some of the paperwork had NO notes on it that would even help me finish the work. It was then that I realized that I need to remember why I'm here, what I'm trying to do, what I'm working on learning. It is my first professional job and I am learning about the dynamics of the office. It is just hard for me to know that I have only been there for four weeks and can get my work done efficiently and correctly, while others who have been there for longer than me cannot. With each day, I learn how to deal with it, how to talk to Miss Jeanette about my frustrations, and how to continue to insure that my work is done correctly so I don't fall into a similar pattern as others.

Saturday was a beautiful day here in North Carolina. For those of you who have been wondering - it has been in the 90s nearly every day since we arrived in Raleigh. When it isn't in the 90s, it is in the high 80s. I miss the cool feeling of fall, the feel of the wind stinging my nose a little bit on the walk to McGinley in the mornings. My roommates and I decided we wanted to go for a hike yesterday, and we sure picked the perfect day for it. It was cooler, though still in the 80s, and most of the trail we hiked was in the shade. There was a light breeze throughout our 6 mile hike. The state park we were at was absolutely beautiful. The trail brought us alongside a pretty creek, past all kinds of trees, near trees whose branches bent in unfathomable ways. It was such a peaceful time for all of us, to just breathe in the fresh air and to appreciate the opportunity to relax. It was the perfect end to the week and start to the weekend.

During our hike, Kate and I talked about a film we had watched Friday night - Milk. For those of you who have never seen it or have never heard of it, it is based on the true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to a major public office. He was assassinated in the late 1970s. We started talking about homophobia, racism, immigration, and a number of other issues. I have been thinking a lot lately about the injustices that exist in our society, but also about how those injustices are perpetuated each and every day. We are a product of the environments in which we grow up - whether we accept what we are taught or challenge what we are taught, either way, we are a product of that environment. Racism and homophobia are present throughout our country and are prejudices are taught to children each and every day, whether by their parents or through the news. How do we conquer that? How do we end such hatred? How do we teach acceptance? Why is it that people hate others just because they are "different"? This is a topic that I know I will reflect on for the rest of my life, and it is something I needed to share in the hopes that others, too, will think about it.

Big shout out this week to my mom and Team Hanger who completed Reach the Beach, a 200-mile relay across New Hampshire this weekend. Way to go!