Patience to Accept the Truth

One of my favorite things about JVC is that I am not only learning about HIV/AIDS at my placement, but I am learning about each of the social justice issues that my roommates are working with, as well as those issues which are most prominent here in Raleigh and in North Carolina. In my first post, I made mention of the current situation happening here in Wake County, NC concerning the school board and the possibility of a legal form of re-segregation of the schools. This past Monday night, a few of us went to a prayer service held at Pullen Memorial Baptist Church concerning this issue. It was great to walk into a room with no expectations except to learn and quickly see blacks, whites, young, old, people of all different faith traditions. We prayed together for the welfare of the children and for doing what is in their best interest. We learned about the history of the integration of schools in Wake County, and I was startled by the fact that it took nearly 17 years after Brown v. Board of Education for Wake County to make swift steps toward integrating their schools. Now, 39 years later, the county is moving backwards. Education is a right and every individual must have the right to an equal education, regardless of skin color, socioeconomic standing, faith, or gender. School is a place not only for learning from teachers and textbooks, but where children and youth are able to learn from and with one another - from their different backgrounds, cultures, and ways of living. What would East Hartford, CT be like if we moved towards re-segregating our schools? I can't imagine how different my life would be.


This week at work was a bit of a challenge, but it taught me a lot and pushed me to work harder in order to work towards understanding. I did my first intake by myself on Tuesday, which was a little nerve-wrecking. The hardest thing I dealt with in the intake was when I asked the woman when she was diagnosed with HIV. She told me that she didn't know, that it was a few years ago but that she wasn't really sure. I was so taken aback and wondered how someone could not know the moment when his/her life was changed forever. I still remember the exact date when I broke my leg because it changed me completely, yet this woman did not know when she was diagnosed with HIV. At first, I kind of sat in shock and when talking to my roommates about it, felt angered out of confusion. After spending some time really thinking about it, though, I realize that I have a lot to learn about how people cope with illness, with change, and with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis. Everyone is different, and it takes people different amounts of time to accept something like this. Denial can last for more than a few months - it can last for years. This was a good moment for me to take a step back and realize that I cannot judge, that I cannot assume, that I must work towards learning and understanding where people come from and what their lives are like.


The same day as that happened, I met a 23-year old client new to the North Carolina area who had been very recently diagnosed with HIV. My heart stopped for a few seconds when I found out his age, as it hit so close to home. I was not concerned about me or my safety, as I know how to protect myself and know that I will protect myself against HIV and other STDs. All I could think about at learning that he was 23 was my thesis - how if only one person at Fordham was HIV positive, our campus could become a hotbed for the spread of HIV. Teenagers and young adults today are living lives that are sexually driven, and the hookup culture is dominant. How do we reach out to others to help them understand their risks? After spending 5 months working on my thesis and becoming so much more aware of how Fordham students (and really high school and college students across the country) put themselves at risk for becoming infected with HIV and other STDs each and every day, each time I learn about outbreaks in colleges or meet people like this 23-year old young man, I can't help but become afraid of what can happen. I fear for my friends, my classmates, and others who put themselves at risk, but am so unsure of how to reach out to them. This is something I hope to learn more about and work on throughout this year and in the future.


A few posts ago, I mentioned that the North Carolina Central Prison is less than a mile from our house and is home to the inmates on North Carolina's death row. The death penalty is constantly a topic of conversation down here. On Thursday evening, Maryann, Kate, and myself headed to Durham to watch a screening of the PBS documentary "No Tomorrow" (airing on PBS in October - look for it). The documentary focuses on a young woman whose life was featured on a previous PBS documentary, and who was murdered about a year later. The film goes into detail about the trial of her killer and how the first documentary was used during the penalty phase to persuade the jury to vote for the death penalty. Going into all of this, I believed that I was for the death penalty, that a person who kills someone else should be killed for what they've done. But the more I learn, the more I reflect, and the more I question, I am coming to new conclusions. This film really brought me to new ideas and questions. Who are we to decide who lives and who dies? What about the families of the inmates who are executed? By killing a killer, we are creating more unrest in a community rather than working toward healing the community. Not to mention the statistics that show the racial and gender bias of the death penalty, the rate of exoneration for those later found innocent, the amount of money that could be saved with a life without parole sentence rather than a death penalty sentence, etc etc. 


What really gets me though is the idea that the death penalty can be a deterrent and that people are less likely to kill if they know that they can possibly be killed by the state for their crime. For a long time, I thought that this was true but as I learn more about life in poor communities, the history of gangs and street violence, I realize that most young people in these communities do not fear death like others do because they are surrounded by death. Spending time in jail does not scare some of them and the idea of being sentenced to death doesn't either. Jail doesn't scare gang members who struggle to survive each day. All in all, I am learning and as I learn, I am finding my beliefs challenged, transformed, and sometimes even changed.


I am loving this experience dearly. When my mom asked me the other day if it was weird that I didn't start school this week, I realized that it actually wasn't because each day I am learning and growing, as though I were in school. I am beginning to value what I learn outside of the classroom much more and am so thankful for this experience. I just hope that as I learn, I am helping others to think, to reflect, to question, and to challenge themselves.