Joseph's House is not a place for the dying, I am learning. It is a place for the living. All of our residents are living each day, whether that living is nearing the end or if they are learning how to live all over again. One of our residents, who has become like a mother to me, is living with AIDS, has just been started on HIV medication, and is getting stronger each day. She has been a blessing in my life in so many ways, but mostly in her aggressive way of teaching me how to be patient.
With a strong personality similar to my own, she has a tendency to make demands. "Bring me a soda." "I asked for salt, NOT sugar." Pleases and thank yous are sometimes few and far between. There has been many a day when she pushed me so hard, I wanted to snap. I have cried because of her demanding nature and aggressiveness. I have found myself hurting inside because I feel like I am not being respected. But then she holds my hand and cries with me, apologizes for being so tough, tells me she loves me and she needs me....and suddenly the pain disappears. The next day I can laugh with her, get her a soda, and hopefully get the salt instead of the sugar.
She has taught me how to love in ways I never knew how. Even through the frustrations that I encounter with her at times, there is this part of me that remembers that the little things should not hold me back. Those little moments should not be the source of anger, but rather a source of learning.
A week or so ago, a co-worker dropped her off at her family's house. She told us she would get a ride back home later that night. That night, she called around 9:30pm saying she had a ride and would be home soon...and she did not return. My initial instinct was that she had fallen and was in the hospital. She is not super steady on her feet, as she is gaining her strength back little by little. I became worried. One of our nurses talked to her brother, who told us that she was fine...so the worry disappeared and slowly began to be replaced by anger. Why would she call and say she was coming home...and not return? This continued for two days. She'd call, say she was on her way home, and then not show up.
I allowed my anger to grow to the point that I prayed I would not be the one at the house when she came back home...if she came back home. Two days later, I was working my late shift, and my co-worker told me that our friend was almost here and to let down the elevator for her. My heart ached. I expected the worst....that she had been out in the world again, using, hurting herself, when she was finally getting better and healing.
I watched as she got out of the car and walked to the elevator. I wanted to cry our of frustration, not knowing what I'd say when I saw her. My initial instinct was to say, "Where have you been? Why have you kept us worrying when you know we only want what is best for you? We only want for you to get better!" But when I saw her, I saw the fear in her eyes. Terrified she would be kicked out of Joseph's House, she practically walked by me without saying hello. My heart melted. The frustration disappeared. I hugged her and told her I love her and that I am so happy that she was home.
She sat upstairs with me and a co-worker and cried to us as she told us that the urine she just gave us was "dirty" and that she had been high multiple times when she was away. My heart ached as I saw the effects of addiction, but softened as I saw her courage and her bravery and her need to be loved. I sat with her for a while, just holding her hand. When I got up to leave, she asked me how another resident was doing, knowing that his health was declining. I looked her in the eye and told her the truth...that he is dying and would pass any day now. She began to cry again, looked at me, and said, "I have been so blessed and I don't know why." I told her, "I am just happy you are home," knowing that she could have died out there, especially if she never came home. As I began to cry with her, all of the anger and frustration finally went away. For the first time in my life, I was able to let go of the disappointment. I was able to get past the bitterness. I was able to truly love unconditionally. In that moment, I realized that it isn't always about me. This was about her, and I am just lucky and blessed to be a part of her journey.
Love is a special thing...but unconditional love - that true, beautiful love that knows no bounds and exists regardless of hurt or frustration - is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
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