Overwhelmed with anger and other emotions the past two weeks, I've started to really think more deeply about my work, with focus on my clients as well as what it means to serve those clients and fight against HIV/AIDS in the process. The past couple of weeks have been very challenging as I watched two woman whom I care deeply about lose their jobs as we all sit and wonder why. Each passing day is a struggle as I try to figure out my role at my agency and how to best provide for my clients.
I have learned a lot about compassion and non-judgment in the past few months from my colleagues. They have opened my eyes to what it means to be with our clients and how I can approach them in a way in which they will feel comfortable. I remember some of my first appointments back in September. As I would listen to my clients tell me of their struggles and hardships, I recall trying to connect with them on some level, as though I have been through struggles and hardships equivalent to theirs. Some of them would look at me as if I was crazy trying to get on their level. Others would nod and just keep talking. I have realized that there is no way in which I understand the struggles my clients go through each day or the challenges with which they are presented. I have no idea what it is like to live in poverty; to be discriminated against based on my appearance; to live with a life-long, life-threatening disease; to feel uncomfortable sharing my deepest secrets with the people who care most about me. I do not remember a time in my life in which I wasn't allowed my basic needs of survival - shelter, food, water, support. I cannot connect with my clients on that personal level in which we can both share our stories and find the similarities because, at the end of the day, I do not know what it is like to live in their shoes; my shoes are very different than theirs.
A recently published article that I read talks about a gay white man living with HIV who works for an HIV/AIDS service organization that serves mostly African-Americans living in poverty, much like the agency I work for. The article describes the man as middle class. He owns his own small business and works full time at the HIV/AIDS service organization. The author writes that his experience with HIV is much like that of the people whom he serves. As I read the article a bit more and started to feel like I knew the man they were writing about, I found myself thinking about my clients and their experiences with HIV. Most of the clients I have met share with me that they struggle financially each day. They make just enough each month to pay for their basic needs, and sometimes do not have enough money to maintain a nutritional diet. Remember Michael who did not have $12 to see his son play basketball? Many of my clients share such struggles. The man who the article was written about seemed to have enough money to not only pay for his basic needs and to maintain a nutritional diet, but he also has enough money to get his HIV medications with no outside help besides that from his private insturance company. My clients often do not have health insurance, and if they do, it is Medicaid. Medicaid does not provide them with enough money to cover their medication costs, which leads them to need to seek assistance with our agency or with a federal program called ADAP - AIDS Drug Assistance Program. Another irony I found in this article was how stigma still penetrates our society when it comes to HIV. Here is a white gay man with a good job who lives with HIV - similar to the face of AIDS in the 1980s when it was considered a "homosexual" disease. Rather than the article focusing on the changing demographics of today's population living with the virus, they chose to focus in on the stigma that has been associated with the virus since Day 1.
How do I talk to my clients about their challenges and struggles when our society is still so caught up in the stigma associated with HIV/AIDS? How do I best approach a client in dialogue when their whole lives they have heard things like "you deserve this"? But mostly...how can I be confident that our HIV/AIDS service organizations across the country have our clients' best interests in mind when those who care more about the clients than about themselves are being fired?
During Re-orientation last week, I realized how important it is for me to be an advocate for the rights of those living with the virus, as well as for those most at risk for becoming infected. However, I cannot advocate for my clients if my clients cannot advocate for themselves. Many do not even feel comfortable telling their family members about their HIV status out of fear that they will be disowned. They often feel like they have no support from those whom they crave that support from most. How can we expect them to stand up for themselves to complete strangers when they struggle so much to disclose their status to the people about whom they care the most? I especially know that it is not my opinion or voice that counts...it is theirs. They are the ones who need services and who know their situations best. How do we empower them to stand up and be heard?
I have learned a lot in these few months and am grateful for each and every moment. My only hope is that I will be able to answer some of the questions which I have posed to myself in these months. Please pray for my colleagues and my clients.
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