Take A Deep Breath

I sat on the Metro North heading downtown to Grand Central Terminal, looking out the window at the city that I have loved for years. It felt so good to be back home, but this time, things were different. As I gazed out the windows on the 20 minute ride from Fordham into Manhattan, I felt like I was looking through a new pair of eyes. The neighborhoods that I had passed by hundreds of time on that very train now looked different to me. I began to notice the trash outside the high rises in the Bronx and Harlem. I started to see the broken windows of the apartments. It was as though I had on new glasses that showed me reality - a reality that, though I was aware of while living in the Bronx, I seemed to have ignored to a certain extent. This feeling sums up my entire visit back to NYC.


After working day in and day out with those most affected by social injustice in our country, I am really beginning to see how my perspective has adjusted, shifted, and even changed. Listening to the stories of my clients and their struggles with unemployment, poverty, homelessness, and HIV/AIDS has forced me to confront reality. When I hear a client tell me that she cannot pay her electric bill for the month because she had to go to New York to bury her mother, my heart breaks. When I hear another client share the story of his inability to visit his son who lives less than hour away because he cannot afford the gas, my heart breaks. I have learned this year that I need to take that heartbreak and delve deeper. Why is it that so many people struggle from day to day to make ends meet? Why do those living in poverty find it so difficult to escape? Why are those living in poverty so much more likely to become infected with HIV/AIDS? Why are middle class neighborhoods clean and poor neighborhoods strewn with garbage? 


My visit to NYC helped to re-energize me, as it reaffirmed my passion for the fight for social justice. Spending time with my mentors and friends helped to remind me of where I come from and how I got involved in this fight to begin with. Watching Dr. Naison's passion as he told his class about the Vietnam War was one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had in a classroom. As he was nearly brought to tears - tears of anger and sadness - my heart broke a little more but the vigor in me was inspired to keep pushing forward. At the GO! Gala, I was reminded of how my passion was sparked. As we listened to the former director of GO! talk about the program, I realized how my experiences in Nashville changed the course of my life forever. Building relationships, taking risks, embracing difference, recognizing new things, and opening yourself to heartbreak - these are tenets I live by now, not just ones that I experienced in 2 week long projects in Tennessee. This is how I learned how to confront the world. This is how I learned about reality. By making myself vulnerable and opening myself to struggle, I have been able to experience the world in ways that many people will never have the chance to experience. 


The greatest lesson I will take away from my time back in my favorite city, though, goes a bit deeper than remembering the little moments that helped create my passion. During Paul Francis' last words at the GO! Gala, he talked about things that we, as alumni, can continue to do to support Global Outreach and its mission. The first thing he asked of us is that we continue to share the GO! story, that we never cease to share our experiences with others - so that some day someone else will be inspired to take up the fight. As he reminded us of the importance of telling our story, he began to talk about his time at this year's JVC East orientation and, in his own way, mentioned how he saw me instantly sharing my story of GO! with my new friends. I began to cry as I realized he was talking about me, not because he chose me as an example but because I stopped and listened. And in that moment, I heard God say to me: "This is where you are supposed to be. Never give up. Do not be afraid, I am with you." The next evening at 9pm mass, I had another God moment as Fr. Florio gave his homily to kick off Ignatian Heritage Week at Fordham. Fr. Florio began his homily with the words, "There are none as blind as those who refuse to see." It was as though God, once more, was reaching out to me, reminding me that I have been called to do His work here on Earth. I am here to help others see, to see the reality, to look beyond the comfortable, to make oneself vulnerable to the point that she, too, will return home looking through a new set of eyes.


Walking through the streets of New York City, I began to realize how much I miss the big city feel, but how much I appreciate life in Raleigh. The slower pace, the kindness of the people, the openness of each individual. As I walked with my friend, Nick, we looked up at the buildings and we watched dogs run around. He said to me, "I am in no rush. I have every other day to rush." That's when I knew that JVC has changed me. That's when I knew that I now see through a new set of eyes. Life is not about success, or money, or power. Life is about being. My visit home to NYC reminded me that sometimes I just need to stop, take a deep breath, and BE. Sometimes I just need to stop and appreciate the beauty of the world.


As I rode the Metro North from Fordham to Grand Central Terminal and I passed the dilapidated high rises and streets covered in trash, I couldn't help but wonder how I had missed that for four years. It's amazing how the experiences in my life have changed my perspective so much that those were things I saw this time around.